The World As I See It

October 10, 2008




Heather Locklear was arrested this past week on suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled dangerous substance, which carries a much stiffer penalty than the seldom used driving under the influence of an uncontrolled sorta dangerous substance.

Locklear’s publicist said, “The actress has been going through a rough patch after realizing that she was no longer a sex symbol and that she had once been married to Ritchie Sambora.”

Many legal analysts believe that Locklear will use the ‘I was once married to Ritchie Sambora’ defense and will likely only receive a slap on the wrist and will be able to go back to drugging and boozing before the sun goes down.

Holmes Sporting New Do


Katie Holmes was spotted out recently sporting a new shorter ‘Tom Cruise’ style hair-do. Tom Cruise admits that he was the one that suggested the new look “Isn’t it awesome”, beemed a very gay acting Tom Cruise, “Now it’s just like I’m having sex with a male sized version of myself.”

Tom’s publicist admits that for years now people have been suggesting that Tom have sex with himself and finally that suggestion is coming to fruition.

Holmes said that she didn’t mind the new look, but drew the line when Cruise suggested she also surgically have a penis added on.

Woman Wearing Cow Costume Arrested


A Middleton woman was arrested early Monday and charged with being really drunk while wearing a cow costume and peeing on people’s porches. The sheriff’s office in Middleton said this is only the 10th time since August that someone has been charged with such a crime.

“Our arrests for people being really drunk while wearing cow costumes and peeing on peoples porches is way down from where it was a year ago”, said a pleased, Sheriff Bill Tate.

Neighbors feel that Ms. Allen is being unfairly targeted as she is the only one who has ever been arrested under the law. “It ain’t right if you axe me”, said neighbor, Anita Saunders. “They’s don’t ever arrest Billy Simmons, and he’s always dressing up as a chicken and taking dumps on my patio”.

Allen was fined $15.

New God Added To The List

A new living God was annointed in Nepal this past week when none other than Matani Shakya beat out hundreds of other living God wannabes. “We’re just pleased as punch”, said Shakya’s father, Panasonic Customer Service Rep, Bill Smith. “When she was born I was hoping Doctor, maybe Lawyer, but God, well this is just nice.”

Matani had to go through several grueling tests to be declared the God including staying over night in a room full of severed goats and buffalo head without showing fear. “You know, I try to come up wit sumting very hard, you know”, said event coordinator Bob Jones, a part time Customer Service Rep for AT & T, “At first I tink, overnight at de Hilton, dat no good, den I tink maybe de Sheraton, still no, den I tink how about a night in a hut wit severed heads. I tell ya when a good idea hits, a good idea hits”!

Matani’s Godship is only a part time gig, as she will return to being human after she has her period. Kudos to you young Matani.

All research for these articles was performed by our research assistant Ronald Steadway pictured below

retard.jpg retard picture by fisher725


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