The World As I See It

February 21, 2015

Arctic blast “cold as balls” we say!

Filed under: cold,comedy,freezing,funny,humor — scarlatti21 @ 9:22 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Easton – A blast of arctic air has gripped the east coast as temperatures on the eastern shore are expected to drop to 0 degrees Friday morning. The wind chill is expected to be in the -15 range. In preparation of this cold air, The World As I See It has provided a list of dos and don’ts to help you make it through this “cold as balls” weather.

1. Do not go outside in a swimsuit to drink a beer – While we admit that this seems like a no-brainer, there have actually been some morons who have gone outside in a bathing suit, sat in a chair drinking a beer, and then posted the whole thing on facebook. We stress, “don’t be that idiot.”

2. Run a faucet – In an effort to protect against frozen pipes we suggest that you leave a faucet on at a drip. While this constant drip may cause you to go bat-shit crazy, it should prevent your pipes from freezing. If a pipe does freeze and burst, you should immediately panic. Run around screaming, “help me Lord, help me Lord.” After a pipe bursts you’ll notice a drop in water pressure. You may also notice water shooting every which way. You will need to find the main shut off valve for your water in order to stop this geyser. We’ve never been to your house so we don’t have a clue in hell where it is. Good luck to you.

3. Snuggle up to your partner – This is for you married couples. Haha!! Just kidding. Like your partner wants to snuggle up to you! Ha! This is for teenagers and college kids. Remember kids, if you can’t be with the one you love; love the one you’re with. Have fun you crazy kids!

4. Start your car super early so it’s hotter than an oven once you get in – This is not for people in Annapolis who are being ticketed for such a thing. While we applaud the Annapolis Police Department for ending the rash of serial car warmers we here at The World As I See It say throw caution to the wind and warm that son-of-a-bitch up until it’s nice and toasty. Who knows, maybe your spouse will see you as a bad-ass and want to start snuggling! Haha! Just kidding, but at least your car will be warm.

5. Crank your heat up – We can’t stress this enough. Crank that shit up! And don’t worry about the high bill. By the time you don’t pay it and they cut your electric off we should be in the spring months. You’ll be fine!

6. Don’t leave your animals outside – This is very important. While keeping your dogs and cats inside should be relatively easy, rounding up possums, foxes, deer, and raccoons in your yard can be tough. We suggest caution. Possums can be feisty little critters. You may want to wear gloves.

7. Don’t use this as an opportunity to spout your thoughts on global warming – We get that it’s cold, but don’t use this cold snap as your evidence that global warming is a myth; unless of course you plan on running a retraction every day the temperature goes above 95 in the summer………..or you produce your scientific research. Your research must be no less than 10 pages and contain at least 3 graphs.

8. Get your cold weather information from a more reputable news agency – If you’ve come to The World As I see It for your information on how to survive the cold, surviving the cold is the least of your worries. For starters you should find a news magazine that provides more timely information. Tomorrow is supposed to be 50 degrees. This article is a day late and a dollar short as they say (I don’t know who they are). The good news is that if you’re reading this, you survived!! You lucky bastard, you.

9. Load up on toilet paper – As reported here last year people can fall victim to the snow squirts. One can never have enough toilet paper when this occurs. We would go two ply. Nothing is too good for your posterior. You’ll thank us!

10. Don’t post about your awesome workout on social media – This has nothing to do with the cold. It’s just annoying.

Good luck and stay warm friends!


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