The World As I See It

July 18, 2015


Filed under: Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 8:47 am



A while back I announced that I would be running for President of the United States of America. Recently people have begun asking me if I still intend to run. This surprised me as I never announced that I would no longer be running for President. But apparently people have wanted some sort of follow up. They want to know my views, my plans, what I wear to bed; the basics.

First off, let me remind people that I did not come to this decision lightly. I stewed over the idea for upwards of 15 minutes. In hindsight I should have consulted my wife first before posting my intentions on facebook, but she has facebook too so, you know, she was going to see it and be super proud so I wasn’t too worried.

After making my announcement I knew I had to show people I was serious so I attempted to land one of the top campaign managers in the country. When all of them refused to take my calls I settled on Mark Kenney. He won the gig after posting a campaign slogan on my facebook page. The slogan was short and to the point, “I’m not Ted Cruz”. He was right, and with no other options he was handed the non-paying job.

But people don’t want to know about how I came to the decision of running for President. They want to know my views. My position on the pressing topics. Whether or not I will deport Justin Bieber. What party am I actually running as. Well, here is my stance on the hot topics:

  1. Gun control – I am a staunch supporter of the Constitution and believe that we have the right to bear arms. But I don’t believe that our forefathers meant for that to include automatic weapons or military style weapons. That is why I support people being allowed to own any gun made prior to 1789 when the Constitution went into affect. Any gun made after that is not covered by the Constitution and therefore can not be owned.
  1. Will I deport Justin Bieber – Yes. I will then declare war on Canada. Those smug bastards have been begging us to do it for years.
  1. Abortion – I want to make everyone happy on this topic. This is a tough one. I mean, making someone who doesn’t want a baby have a baby seems crazy. But abortion shouldn’t be used as birth control, right? So I will require all pro life people to adopt one baby from these people who didn’t want their babies in the first place. Now everyone is happy!!
  1. Tax reform – Our tax code is crazy. Giving tax breaks to the rich is stupid. Let’s simplify this shit once and for all. 15% for everyone. No tax breaks for giving hand jobs to politicians. The buck stops here. Seriously, taxes really could be that easy.
  1. Our deficit – I’m looking to make some big moves here. First, I’m going to buy Greece out of foreclosure and then try to flip it. We may need to fix it up a little, put up some new blinds and such, but I’m sure we can make a buck or two off of it. If that works we may look at flipping other countries and trying to get a deal with HGTV for a show called, “Flip My Country”. With endorsements and all we should be able to get this deficit taken care of.
  1. Border reform – Already taken care of. As I said, I will declare war on Canada. Smug bastards.

Look, I know winning the presidency won’t be easy. Of the people I’ve polled, I only have 57% of the popular vote at this time, but we’ve got time. And I know there is some solid competition. Once again we have a bush in the election and I know she’ll put up one heck of a fight. But I’m confident I can beat Hillary. There is also Jeb Bush. Really?! Can we really have a President named, Jeb? I didn’t think so. And of course there is Donald Trump. Look, I know he would be a wonderful President. He’s smart, he’s not into himself at all, he’s got great hair, and he smells like a field of wild flowers, but could we really live in a world without Celebrity Apprentice? I didn’t think so.

For my campaign to really take off we need campaign money. So far we sit at a robust $0.00. I have no plans of doing a fundraiser because of pure laziness, but we do have presidential gear available at Thank you and I appreciate your support.


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