The World As I See It

December 20, 2015

Because good guys with guns stop bad guys with guns

Filed under: comedy,funny,guns,humor,satire,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:27 am
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Another mass shooting, this time in San Bernadino, and once again the “libs” turn it into a gun control issue, as if guns are somehow tied to mass shootings. But I’m not falling for the liberal media’s bias. That’s why I’m sticking with the “cons”. I will say it until I’m blue in the face, guns don’t kill people, people kill people……using guns made by people. The “libs” will have you believe that guns are the root of the problem, but they have no data to back that up because there is none (nearly two decades ago Congress, under pressure from the NRA, threatened to revoke the CDC’s funding if they conducted gun violence research. Those restrictions are still in place today. In fact Doctors took a petition to Congress to reverse this restriction the day before the San Bernadino shooting). Well I have a few facts for you.

According to the NRA guns are used in self defense nearly 2.5 million times a year in the United States. That means that 6,850 times a day people are saving their asses with guns. Holy shit!! Am I right? It’s fucking Beirut out there and you better be packing heat! In 2012 alone there were 259 justifiable homicides. That means 259 times people took the law into their own hands being judge, jury, and executioner to 259 sons-of-bitches that the authorities later determined deserved it (It is noted that most of the 259 criminals that were justifiably killed would not have been facing the death penalty for their crimes)! Amen brothers and sisters, someone give me a motherfuckin’ football to spike ’cause I just scored a touchdown! Now that same year there were 20,666 suicides by guns and 548 accidental fatal shootings, but still, 259 sons-of-bitches gone thanks to guns! I feel that with a few gun safety courses under our belts we can trim that -20,955 good guy to bad guy death ratio down to a more respectable -15,000 or so.


It is noted that the good guys killed include suicides and accidental shootings. Some of these people may have been bad guys. Just saying.

It is noted that the good guys killed include suicides and accidental shootings. Some of these people may have been bad guys. Just saying.


We’ve seen strict gun control fail too many times to waste our energy on it here. Paris? Chicago? Hasn’t worked there, has it? (it is noted that France is bordered by a number of countries with lax gun control laws making it easy to buy guns there and then transport them into France. Chicago is located 30 miles from Indiana where you can buy a gun if you can prove you want one). Besides, strict gun control only affects lawful gun owners. Criminals aren’t going to willingly turn in guns they didn’t obtain legally in the first place! Those bastards steal roughly 232,000 guns a year from us law abiding gun owners! If we can’t replace these guns annually how will we defend ourselves when the inevitable shootout comes our way? (Some say that with strict gun control there would be less gun owners and thus less guns to steal. In theory, as people are arrested for crimes and their guns confiscated, the number of guns in criminals hands would decline). This is stupid, but at the moment I can’t for the life of me think of why.

And then there’s Australia. Fucking Australia. Arrogant-ass Australia. So Australia had a mass shooting in 1996 in the resort town of Port Arthur that killed that killed 35 people and Australia’s parliament is like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, we can’t have our citizens shooting our citizens”, and within weeks they pass tough new gun control laws throughout the country and have had 0 mass shootings since. And now they’re all like, “Look at us. No fucking mass shootings, you wankers!” Is this what we want for our country? Knee jerk reactionary laws that may or may not stop mass shootings. We’re better than that! We’re the God damned United States and if you don’t like it we’ll shoot you up like Dirty Harry!! Australia… should be embarrassed by yourselves.



Mass shootings are a rarity at best. There have only been 353 mass shootings in 2015, meaning we’re debating an issue that barely happens more than once a day. Is this really considered an epidemic? In 2013 there were 33,169 firearm related deaths. That same year there were 32,719 traffic related deaths. Virtually the same. So are we going to ban cars next? Kaboom! And he drains one from downtown!! Granted, more people use cars in a given year so the percentage of deaths is much lower, but that’s a little technicality and we don’t deal in technicalities in these parts!

And let’s be honest, guns are already regulated as much as cars (to drive a car you currently have to take a driver’s education course, and then pass a written test and a driving test before receiving a driver’s license. To get a gun you just need to want one in most states. After obtaining a license you still need insurance before you can drive a car. This insurance is required so that if you damage someone else’s car, you injure someone else, or you kill someone else, your insurance will pay for your screw-up. Most States do not require a license to own a gun and none require insurance if you own a gun. Could you imagine if gun collectors had to get insurance for each gun that they owned? Might trim the numbers down a hair, huh?) The reality is that the need for guns and cars are very similar and here is a list to prove it:

Cars                                                                                                                  Guns 

1. You need cars to get to and from work                   1. You need guns to shoot things at work

2. You need cars for travel                               2. You need guns to shoot things while travelling

3. You need cars to go to the grocery store   3. You need guns to shoot things at the grocery store

4. You need cars to visit the in-laws                  4. You need guns to shoot…..well you get the point

5. Cars can help you flee a hurricane                          5. Guns can shoot a hurricane

Did you know that since 1982 an incredible 18% of the mass shootings were done by people who obtained their guns illegally? Only 82% of the shooters were law abiding citizens who legally obtained their firearms. That means that with stricter gun control you are only going after a fraction of the offenders. That works out to roughly 295 of the mass shootings still happening. Are we really going to go through all of this bullshit just to stop 60 mass shootings? Shoowee! That’s a lot of work to only save a handful of people. What we really need is better mental healthcare (But to create better mental healthcare you better not raise my taxes! And on a side note, fuck Obamacare!) Look, you’ve already taken our lawn darts. Give us something!!

Like most pro-gun enthusiasts I’m also an expert on the Constitution.  Ever heard of a little thing called the second amendment, you numb-nuts? Let me put it here for you, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed”. Read it and weep, ass-wipes! The amendment is very clear. It is my God given right to own hand guns, Ak-47’s, and whatever shoot ’em up kind of gun I damn well please (it is noted that the word God does not once appear in the Constitution). Our forefathers wanted us packing. And remember our forefathers are still to this day the smartest Americans there ever were. They never got a thing wrong (other than slavery. A little oopsie daisy there!) and could also see into the future, writing a document that would be relevant for all eternity (please disregard that amendments have been added to this document. No amendments about guns can be added)!

Finally, I’d just like to say that if people want to kill, they will. Taking guns away won’t stop that. In fact, just last week a crazed man went on a mass stabbing attack in England. Did he have a gun? Nope! The attack killed none and injured one. The injured victim is expected to survive. And how do you think the cops stopped him? Guns, that’s how!! (the police actually were able to use a stun gun rather than firearms since a man wielding a knife can only attack you at close range).

So let’s assume the two people in the San Bernadino attack had knives instead of guns. If I’m doing the math correctly that would mean two people would be hospitalized with knife wounds right now and zero fatalities. Is this what we are striving for? Less dead, sure, but still wounded people. You’re going to have to do better than that you tree-hugging anti-gun nuts! Until you come up with a better answer, I’m keeping my guns!

In short, we need guns for protection. If someone breaks into my house I need my AK-47. Think about it, it will be dark in the room and when you wake up you have that blurry-eyed thingy going on so one shot won’t do the trick. You need to squeeze that trigger until you hear the sweet thud of a body hitting the floor and hope that it’s not your kid coming into your room to ask for a glass of water. If you’re one of those safety nuts who keep your guns in a safe, well I pity you. Can’t protect yourself if you’re keeping your guns in a safe.

The reality is that strict gun control will never happen. People love their guns. If gun control was so feasible why haven’t other countries made any effort to strictly regulate them? (Germany requires anyone under the age of 25 to pass a psychiatric evaluation before purchasing a firearm. In Finland license applicants are only allowed to purchase firearms if they can prove they are active members of regulated gun clubs. Before they can get a gun they must pass an aptitude test, submit to a police interview, and show that they have a proper gun storage unit. In Italy one must establish a genuine reason to possess a firearm and pass a background check considering both criminal and mental health records. In France firearms applicants must have no criminal record and pass a background check that considers the reason for the purchase and evaluates the criminal, mental, and health records of the applicant. In the United Kingdom and Japan they just straight up banned handguns for private citizens.) KABOOM!!! I think I’ve made my point!




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