The World As I See It

December 24, 2015

Christmas Tradition (F*&%ing Elf on the Shelf)

Filed under: christmas,comedy,elf,satire,shelf,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:44 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Christmas is a special time in our house. Whether it’s the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf, Clyde, or putting up our tree, having it fall and then putting the damn thing up again, it’s all smiles. Tradition is big to me and I would like to share a few of our family traditions that help us celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ and the arrival of Santa Clause and his magical reindeer.

Like most full blown Christians, my children anxiously await the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf. He arrives the morning after Thanksgiving, although most years he’s late due to me forgetting to put the God damned thing out. This year in particular I took my son hunting when my phone rang, my wife was on the line asking where our elf was. Our daughter had searched the whole house and couldn’t find him. Son-of-a-bitch!! I had forgotten the damn thing just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that! Whoever invented this horrid creation needs to be tarred and feathered.

I ran out of staging ideas for Clyde years ago. Every day! Every God damned day I have to move this thing and come up with some sort of creative hiding place and then write a funny note, only to have to do the whole thing over again tomorrow! It never ends!! And this year my daughter asked for a girl elf so that Clyde wouldn’t be lonely. Great!! Now I’ve got two damn elves to hide and write notes for. Wonderful!!

And of course I see my friends posting their amazing ideas for their elves. Well bravo you f*&king creative bastards! I’ve been regurgitation the same old scenarios over and over while you’re out there winning Oscars for elf display of the year! I no longer look forward to Christmas because of the excitement of Christmas, but because that little devil elf finally leaves us on Christmas Day!! Good riddance, Clyde…….and now Petunia, as well!!

Shortly after Clyde’s arrival we get our Christmas tree. Another joyous time in our house. For years my wife has argued for a fake tree, but I am a traditionalist. I like the smell of a real tree. And the constant watering. And the needles falling on the carpet. And the bare patches. And of course the inevitable falling of the tree which happens at least once every year. That’s part of Christmas.

After two hours of careful selection (how long does it take to pick out a freaking tree that you’re just going to throw away after Christmas anyway?) we finally bring our tree home where we struggle mightily to get the tree up without damaging too much of the house. After finally getting it up it’s time to crank up the Nat King Cole, pour a little vino, slap the lights on the tree, and put the ornaments on. Once done, we all step back and gaze in wonderment at our beautiful tree. It’s at that moment when the tree will slowly start to teeter before falling, in slow motion mind you, in our general direction. Every f*cking year!! Our personal record was three times in one year. I’m starting to think that trees weren’t meant to be cut down and resurrected in your house!

Next is the annual inspection of the ornaments! This occurs after the tree has fallen. We must go through each ornament to determine how many of the glass ones we’ve shattered with our annual tree falling ceremony. Nine time out of ten it’s my daughter’s ornaments that break. I’m convinced that God and the baby Jesus like to make children cry on Christmas. After discovering that the leg on her ballerina ornament has broken off she cries, and cries, and cries. It’s at this moment that I pour my second glass of vino.

Then we move on to the changing of the socks!! This is due to my socks being full of soppy, sappy water after the tree falling ceremony. Did you know a carpet will stay wet for two weeks after a tree falls? You do now!! While I change my socks, my wife leads the charge during the annual gluing of the ballerina leg part of our Christmas heritage.

After the tree is back up, the ornaments are back on the tree, and we’ve cleaned up all of the broken glass and dirty tree water it’s time to bake cookies!! My wife and daughter makes the cookies while I supervise. This requires another glass of wine! Apparently we are in competition with the Keebler Elves on who can make more cookies during the holiday season. This year we made an estimated 3,000 cookies. My daughter made Snickerdoodles especially for me because she knows how much I love them. Isn’t she a great daughter! The room starts to fill with the aroma of Snickerdoodles. Finally it’s time for the first batch to come out of the oven. That first one melts in my mouth. Delicious! I reach for my second one only to have my hand slapped and told that we are giving the rest away as gifts. What? One cookie! I only get one cookie? I’m already looking forward to next year’s annual cookie that I get to eat. Who knows? If I have a good year, maybe I’ll get two! With one cookie under my belt I’m ready for another glass of wine.

Well now we’re ready. Tree is up. Cookies are baked. Presents are wrap…….oh shit!! I haven’t wrapped a single present yet! I rush upstairs and scramble to find the presents I’ve bought. I suck at buying presents. More often than not I only have a handful of presents for my wife and make up the rest with cold hard cash!! Nothing says, “I love you”, like cash! To make things more exciting I put the money in multiple boxes, tons of wrapping paper, and enough tape to secure a prisoner. Finally, we’re ready for Christmas Day!

Christmas morning starts at roughly 7am. The kids try to start earlier, but we draw the line at 7. By 7:01 Christmas is done. Merry Christmas everyone!!

 

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