The World As I See It

January 23, 2017

Letter from a 4th grader to Betsy Devos

Filed under: Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:05 pm

Dear Ms. Devos,

 

I am a fourth grader at Wapiti Elementary School in Wapiti, Wyoming. That’s correct, the same school that has been suffering from grizzly bear attacks like a son-of-a-bitch. I would like to personally thank you for being the first person to stand up for us little guys. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to go to a school that’s treated like a snack shack for grizzlies.

Just last week we were sitting through another boring math class when BAM! A grizzly slammed into the window next to my desk. He was a monster! Must have been at least 9 feet tall. I knew it was a he because when he stood up he was swinging this big old weenie in my face. Like a baby’s arm coming at me! Anyway, I did what any other lover of God’s creatures would do. I grabbed my Dad’s .357 magnum out of my school bag (I had brought it to school to show my friends. Don’t worry I wasn’t planning on shooting nobody!).  So I aim and fire one shot right at his forehead, KAPOW! Believe me when I say that this was the wrong time to find out grizzlies have concrete craniums!? That bullet ricocheted off that motherfucker’s head like a stone skipping off water. And boy did that light a fire under his ass! That fucker reared back, ding-a-ling swinging in the wind, and gave out a roar like a dinosaur. Are grizzlies part dinosaur? I figured you being the great educator that you are, you’d know!

Anywho, I’m really looking forward to when all of my classmates can have some grizzly whackers, that’s what we call them here, in class as well. Not to be a downer, but that grizzly I shot got a tad riled up after I skimmed his forehead and he dragged off poor Jimmy Fitzhugh. They’ve been finding pieces of that poor bastard for the better part of two days. That poor boy was a goofy son-of-a-bitch, but he certainly didn’t deserve to get torn to bits by a grizzly. Especially by one that had a tally whacker as big as this feller had! I’m confident that had we had twenty kids packing heat the result would’ve been much different. Sure, Jimmy would probably be one arm short of a pair, but at least that goofy one-armed bastard would still be here with us.

Snapped this picture of the beast on my phone right before the attack. Not sure who that photo bombing bastard in the photo is.

Snapped this picture of the beast on my phone right before the attack. Not sure who that photo bombing bastard in the photo is.

So in conclusion, God bless you. You’re the 1st Secretary of Education who has ever tried to help us with our grizzly bear problem. My class started with 28 students in the 1st grade. We’re down to 17 because of these elementary school children eating fuckers! A million thanks!

On a side note, can you also do something about common core? What in God’s name is up with that shit?

 

Sincerely,

Billy Murdoch

4th grader at Wapiti Elementary School

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