The World As I See It

May 10, 2017

Comey latest contestant ‘fired’ from the Apprentice

Filed under: comedy,Comey,funny,humor,politics,President,Trump,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:00 am
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Comey and Trump sharing a kiss during happier times.

 

In a surprise twist on last night’s episode of The Apprentice, contestant James Comey was fired. Experts thought he had a real chance of winning after he won the “get me elected” challenge easily, “It really looked like he had the inside track,” said the show’s Executive Producer, Kellyanne Conway, “But the Donald likes to keep us guessing.”

 

Many now feel that the clear favorite is Sean Spicer, “Spicer came out as this bumbling idiot, but Donald seems to like that,” said one expert, “Donald likes to feel like the smartest in the room which really limits who else can be in the room.”

 

Comey began the show on fire during the first challenge when he opened an “investigation” for the 18th time into Hillary’s email scandal, thus propelling Trump to a surprising victory. He later apologized saying that sometimes winning is worse than losing.

 

In a move that many are calling as close to a class act as Donald gets, Comey was informed of his firing when he heard it on CNN. He later received a nice letter and a gift basket from Trump. The gift basket was an edible arrangement which consisted of only lemons and sour grapes.

 

Comey said he has no idea what he will do next, but says he has no regrets and is glad as hell that he is off the show.

February 26, 2017

Andy Harris to definitely, probably, most likely hold town hall meeting in Easton

Filed under: Andy Harris,comedy,funny,humor,politics,satire — scarlatti21 @ 5:21 pm
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andy

 

Andy Harris has confirmed this week that he would definitely, probably, most likely hold a brick-and-mortar (fancy way of saying in person) town hall meeting in Easton on March 31st assuming the Republicans have a replacement plan in place for the Affordable Care Act. Easton residents have been pressuring Harris to hold the in-person meeting in order to discuss their concerns about repealing the Affordable Care Act so holding the meeting after it’s been repealed makes complete sense.

Harris did leave the meeting open to being cancelled if no replacement plan is in place as of March 31st. While he admits nothing is in place yet, he did say that he helped write the first sentence which is one of the most kick-ass first sentences any bill has ever seen. Even President Trump said it was the best, the very best sentence any bill has ever seen. No one could write a better sentence. The best.

Harris has recently been refusing to attend town hall meetings saying they are “super scary” instead opting for tele-town hall meetings where he can hand pick the callers and make funny faces during the meeting with no one seeing. He also made a few prank calls during the meeting, telling people that answered that he was all ears and would love to hear their concerns. He could be heard giggling uncontrollably on the other end.

Easton residents had been calling Harris for weeks about meeting with them in person so that they could share their questions and concerns about the ACA repeal, so to have him schedule a meeting after the repeal has lead many residents to use the term “what the fuck” more often than they would’ve liked. “I had to explain to my ten year old how to use the term correctly,” said one constituent, “It was so cute once she finally used it right. Now every time she hears the name, Andy Harris, What the fuck is the first thing out of her mouth. It’s adorable.”

While Easton residents are excited, many are cautioning there optimism, “Vegas has the odds of Harris not cancelling the meeting at 20 to 1,” said one political analyst, “while the odds of Harris screwing his constituents is currently at 2 to 1.”

The residents of Easton are currently trying to secure the Easton High School auditorium for the event where they said a production of The King and I will be performed if Harris is a no show.

 

December 19, 2016

Facebook to remove fake news……possibly shutting down the site

Filed under: comedy,facebook,fake news,funny,humor,satire,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:44 am
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fake_news

Facebook has announced that they will do everything in their power to limit fake news on the site after reports surfaced that false information may have altered the recent U.S. election. This lead many to wonder, who the fuck gets their news from Facebook? For his part, Zuckerberg said that limiting fake news presents complex problems both technically and philosophically, “We want people to feel free to share their opinions, thoughts, and pics from their four Caribbean vacations each year, without fear that we will flag it as fake news. Finding the real fake news is a dilly of a pickle.”

 

Facebook said their first line of defense will be to ban Fox News and CNN from the site and removing all of their articles. They will also ban all gun articles as a recent study found that nary a one was remotely close to factual. A Facebook spokesperson said that all cat videos will remain on the site. Memes will be banned immediately.

 

sophisticated-cat

 

Other social media sites weighed in on the issue with Twitter acknowledging that they would not attempt to edit out fake news due to 93% of all tweets being generated by Donald Trump. Snap Chat posted a message in support of removing fake news, but the note disappeared after only six seconds.

 

We snagged this screen shot 9 seconds after the post went up.

We snagged this screenshot of Snapchat’s message 9 seconds after it went up. Kind of ironic considering we successfully screenshot 7 nude pics that same day. Priorities people…….priorities.

 

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg said he wants people to get back to using Facebook for what it was intended for, breaking up marriages. “Facebook was intended to help people realize that everyone else has it better than them, then they locate an old High School flame, get to chatting, run off together, and everyone is happy,” said Zuckerberg. “It’s the American dream.

 

Political analysts weighed in on the topic saying that a great way to avoid getting fake political news from Facebook is to not rely on Facebook for your political information, going so far as to say that anyone who does rely on Facebook for their news is nothing short of a God damned idiot.

Users of the site were mixed on the topic with many saying they were for banning fake news since it clearly effected the election while others said there was no fake news on the site and that everything on the internet was true otherwise it wouldn’t be on the internet. A questionnaire answered by Democrats showed that they believe 97% of all articles posted by Republicans are fake while the same survey showed Republicans believe 96.8% of all articles posted by Democrats are fake. A bipartisan group study showed 98.9% of all articles were actually fake. The same study showed 97.3% of all memes to be wildly inaccurate.

Zuckerberg said that removing the fake news will take upwards of sixteen years so please show some patience.

 

It is noted that all information for this article was obtained from the internet and is considered sorta, kinda accurate.

September 3, 2016

9th Grader refuses to stand for pledge of allegiance until Colin Kaepernick no longer makes ridiculous amount of money to be a back-up quarterback

Filed under: anthem,comedy,funny,humor,Kaepernick,pledge — scarlatti21 @ 9:05 am
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Young Tommy Keister clearly shown sitting during The Pledge of Allegiance. Trust us, he's there. He's behind the flag so you can't really see him but he's there. It was the best angle we could get what with the other students and such and the teacher not letting us further into the classroom because we were being "disruptive". Whatever

Young Tommy Keister clearly shown sitting during The Pledge of Allegiance. Trust us, he’s there. He’s behind the flag so you can’t really see him but he’s there. It was the best angle we could get what with the other students and such and the teacher not letting us further into the classroom because we were being “disruptive”. Whatever

9th grader, Tommy Keister has refused to stand for Washington High School’s morning pledge until NFL backup, Colin Kaepernick is no longer making $19,000,000 to sit the bench and watch 16 football games a season when his own Dad has to work two jobs as a janitor and restaurant dishwasher just to make ends meet. “My Dad works from daybreak to midnight just so we have food, a place to live, clothes to wear, and the basics in life and has no time to spend with us,” said a distraught Keister, “while this douche, I’m sorry, I mean Mr. Kaepernick makes an insane amount of money to sit the bench and watch other people play football. How can I pledge allegiance to a country that supports that?”

This is not the first time the young revolutionary has used the power of protest to improve the world. When Keister was in 7th grade he refused to recite The Lord’s Prayer in church until God damned Kanye West to hell. The protest ended in success after Kanye married into the Kardashian family.

Keister admitted that he understands Kaepernick’s current refusal to stand and instead sit on the bench during the playing of The Star Spangled Banner saying, “If I was getting paid $19,000,000 to sit the bench I’d feel the need to put in some overtime as well.”

“Let’s face it, if Kaepernick stopped playing football no one would bat an eye, but if my Dad didn’t clean the toilet bowl at the Piggly Wiggly where he works you’d damn well notice,” said Keister. The young man went on to say that his Dad is really hoping that the minimum wage is raised to $15 so that maybe he could work only one job and be around a little more and maybe, just maybe, even come to one of his own son’s games. He admitted that on $15 an hour they still wouldn’t have the money to go to a San Francisco game to see Kaepernick sit the bench.

Keister’s classmates say they understand Keister’s right to sit during The Pledge of Allegiance, but say that they feel it’s disrespectful to not pledge his allegiance when there are men like Kaepernick who have fought hard for this country and have earned the right to make $19,000,000 a year to sit the bench while janitor’s make $10 an hour if they’re lucky. Many went on to say that with that kind of money they can’t figure out why Kaepernick can’t pay a stylist to do something with that rat’s nest that sits upon his head.

49ers officials have stated that they are aware of Keister’s protest and that they are considering cutting Kaepernick, although they said it had little to do with the protest and more to do with Kaepernick sucking at football and just being an overall douche in general.

During their most recent game rather than sit on the bench during The national Anthem, Kaepernick took a knee which isn’t really a protest per se, but more or less just being different than everybody else which just takes him to a new level of douche baggery. Young Keister has said that in response to Kaepernick’s kneeling rather than sitting the bench he will alter his protest and now lay across his desk making fart noises during The Pledge of Allegiance.

 

July 3, 2016

My right to pony ownership

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,pony,satire — scarlatti21 @ 8:47 am
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My guard pony ready for work.

My guard pony ready for work.

With the most recent mass shooting my facebook feed exploded with opinions on gun control. I quickly grew tired of it, and then thought to myself that facebook should be renamed opinionbook, but that’s a different article. To try to return facebook to the light-hearted drivel it was supposed to be I began posting pictures of cute ponies. That got me to thinking, if posting pictures of cute ponies made me happy just think what owning one would do. I quickly decided to get a pony. Not because I necessarily needed one, but because I wanted one. And let’s be honest, it’s my constitutional right to own one.

I quickly contacted the pony store so that I could get the process started. I was pretty sure there would be a waiting period to confirm that I was a decent citizen who could own a pony. Things quickly soured when I was told that I couldn’t own a pony because I lived in town limits. WHAT?!?!? My pony ownership rights were being denied by the Government!!! How could they trample my 9th Amendment rights which clearly state, and I quote, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people”. Doesn’t get any clearer than that.

How could I feel safe in my home without a guard pony? Don’t I have the right to protect my family from crime? I want criminals to know that if they try to break into the Robert’s homestead they’re going to leave with a tattoo of two undersized hoof prints on their foreheads. And it’s not like I was trying to get a high powered equine, like a Clydesdale or something. And it wasn’t like I was asking for 50 ponies. I get that high capacity pony ownership is unnecessary and dangerous in town limits. But one pony, couldn’t I have just one pony?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

How are we supposed to defend ourselves if a stampede happens? I mean, criminals are going to still get ponies regardless of laws and we know that they’ll get more ponies than they need. When a stampede happens are you going to wait for the police? Hell no!! The best way to stop a stampeding is by a private citizen packing their own pony!

And let’s be honest. Ponies don’t nip people, people nip people. Responsible pony owners know that you must lock your ponies safely away in your yard so that accidental nippings don’t happen.

I will take my fight to the Supreme Court if I have too. My Constitutional rights will not be trampled!! Rise up people! It’s time to make America great again!! Who’s with me people?! Ponies for everyone!!

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