The World As I See It

October 16, 2008

McCain Closes Gap; Lands Vote of Joe the Plumber

Joe Wurzelbacher

Joe the Plumber taking in a special episode of Blossom

In the much anticipated final Presidential debate, Senator John McCain closed the gap by landing the much coveted vote of Joe Wurzelbacher aka “Joe the Plumber”. While Wurzelbacher wouldn’t comment on who he intended to vote for, many political analysts believe John McCain was the clear winner. “It looks to me like John has clearly closed the gap by 1 vote”, said analyst Peter Short, “If he can do that several million more times, Obama is in trouble”.

Obama, who had to leave the debate early because of a prior “bomb making” engagement with his radical buddies, was concerned at losing Joe’s vote, “It bothers me that my tax plan is going to hurt people like Joe. People who are able to buy businesses worth more than $250,000. This guy is one step away from being impovershed and my plan could put him over the top. That hurts. Now if you’ll excuse me I have bombs to make”.

 

As for McCain, who is part Irish and part Fox Squirrel, he said he is pleased to get Joe’s vote, but doesn’t plan on stopping there, “I’m hoping to land Terry the Electrician’s vote next, but I’ve got work to do.”

Analysts have said that whoever lands Terry’s vote has a 50/50 chance of winning the election.

 

When it came time to talk Vice Presidential candidates, no one can dispute that Palin was the clear winner. The qualifications were overwhemingly in Palin’s favor as Biden’s foreign policy record was no match for Palin’s record of having a special needs child. “Sure Joe has some solid credentials when it comes to foreign policy”, said McCain, “But has he ever raised a special needs child? No he hasn’t and running this country is like raising a special needs child”.

With the election just 3 weeks away, McCain has his work cut out for him, but if he can continue to pluck plumber and electrician votes at this rate, there’s a chance he could lose by a little less than originally thought.

The debate was moderated by CBS’ Bob Scheiffer, who was the moderator for the famed Jesus vs Judas debates in the year 27.

 All research for this article was performed by our political analyst Ronald Steadway

 retard.jpg retard picture by fisher725

October 13, 2008

Palin Plans Trip To Canadian Side Of Niagara Falls

Filed under: canada,comedy,funny,humor,news,Palin,politics,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:04 am
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In an effort to boost her foreign policy credentials, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is planning a trip to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. “I’m a little nervous”, admitted the globetrotter, “I’m not familiar with their language or their customs, but until you go you can’t learn”.

 

Palin, who has been watching Russia from her home now “for years”, is excited about the trip, “I plan on bringing them a Salmon and I am really excited about receiving a gift in return”, said the adventurer, “Perhaps they will give me a traditional head-dress or tribal jewelry”.

 

Palin has said that if elected Vice President there is a good chance she will travel even more. “My intention is to try and go to a foreign country at least once a year if elected”, said the jet setter, “I’m thinking Utah next”.

Palin has insisted that just because she hasn’t been to any foreign countries doesn’t mean she isn’t aware they exist. “I’ve heard of countries like Africa and South America”, said a defiant Palin, “And I have full intentions of visiting them as well as soon as I printout the mapquest directions”.

Palin has said that they plan to take the trip to Canada shortly after her daughter, Bristol, gives birth and before she has time to get pregnant again.

October 10, 2008

QUICK HITS

LOCKLEAR ARRESTED

 

Heather Locklear was arrested this past week on suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled dangerous substance, which carries a much stiffer penalty than the seldom used driving under the influence of an uncontrolled sorta dangerous substance.

Locklear’s publicist said, “The actress has been going through a rough patch after realizing that she was no longer a sex symbol and that she had once been married to Ritchie Sambora.”

Many legal analysts believe that Locklear will use the ‘I was once married to Ritchie Sambora’ defense and will likely only receive a slap on the wrist and will be able to go back to drugging and boozing before the sun goes down.

Holmes Sporting New Do

 

Katie Holmes was spotted out recently sporting a new shorter ‘Tom Cruise’ style hair-do. Tom Cruise admits that he was the one that suggested the new look “Isn’t it awesome”, beemed a very gay acting Tom Cruise, “Now it’s just like I’m having sex with a male sized version of myself.”

Tom’s publicist admits that for years now people have been suggesting that Tom have sex with himself and finally that suggestion is coming to fruition.

Holmes said that she didn’t mind the new look, but drew the line when Cruise suggested she also surgically have a penis added on.

Woman Wearing Cow Costume Arrested

 

A Middleton woman was arrested early Monday and charged with being really drunk while wearing a cow costume and peeing on people’s porches. The sheriff’s office in Middleton said this is only the 10th time since August that someone has been charged with such a crime.

“Our arrests for people being really drunk while wearing cow costumes and peeing on peoples porches is way down from where it was a year ago”, said a pleased, Sheriff Bill Tate.

Neighbors feel that Ms. Allen is being unfairly targeted as she is the only one who has ever been arrested under the law. “It ain’t right if you axe me”, said neighbor, Anita Saunders. “They’s don’t ever arrest Billy Simmons, and he’s always dressing up as a chicken and taking dumps on my patio”.

Allen was fined $15.

New God Added To The List

A new living God was annointed in Nepal this past week when none other than Matani Shakya beat out hundreds of other living God wannabes. “We’re just pleased as punch”, said Shakya’s father, Panasonic Customer Service Rep, Bill Smith. “When she was born I was hoping Doctor, maybe Lawyer, but God, well this is just nice.”

Matani had to go through several grueling tests to be declared the God including staying over night in a room full of severed goats and buffalo head without showing fear. “You know, I try to come up wit sumting very hard, you know”, said event coordinator Bob Jones, a part time Customer Service Rep for AT & T, “At first I tink, overnight at de Hilton, no..no dat no good, den I tink maybe de Sheraton, still no, den I tink how about a night in a hut wit severed heads. I tell ya when a good idea hits, a good idea hits”!

Matani’s Godship is only a part time gig, as she will return to being human after she has her period. Kudos to you young Matani.

All research for these articles was performed by our research assistant Ronald Steadway pictured below

retard.jpg retard picture by fisher725

October 8, 2008

Ryan O’Neal Arrested With Son Redmond

Filed under: drugs,Fawcett,humor,news,O'neal,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:09 am
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RYAN O’NEAL ARRESTED WITH SON REDMOND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oneal

Part time actor and full time crack head Ryan O’neal was arrested on Wednesday along with his son Redmond O’neal for possession of methamphatamines. In a statement released by his publicist, Amy Winehouse, O’neal said, “There is no person I’d rather be arrested with than Red.”

publicist Amy Winehouse

The arrest came on the heals of a “hunch” by O’Neal’s probation officer, Keith Richards who said, “The bastard is always high, so we took a chance.”

O’Neals former lover and Redmond’s mother, Farrah Fawcet was asleep on the couch at the time of the arrest. She released a statement saying “I should have noticed the warning signs, such as the methamphatamine lab in the kitchen.” Fawcett went on to say that the family has already been through a lot this year what with her ass cancer and the arrest of their top crack dealer, Pimp Daddy Corn Chips.

 

Farrah Fawcett and Pimp Daddy Corn Chips

O’Neal’s other crack head children have all said they are hoping that O’Neal can get his act together before his 70th birthday. As for Red, they say the bastard is young, he’s got time.

October 3, 2008

Senate Approves Bailout Thanks To Wooden Arrows

Filed under: bailout,humor,news,senate — scarlatti21 @ 10:00 am
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  1. SENATE APPROVES BAILOUT THANKS TO WOODEN ARROWS

 

The senate, on Wednesday, passed the $700 billion bailout package that had failed miserably in congress earlier in the week. Many place the victory soly in the hands of Oregon senators Ron Wyden and Gordon Smith. These two had the brilliant idea of attaching a repeal of a 39 cent excise tax on wooden arrows made for children. Senator Wyden wanted to make it clear that this repeal would only affect arrows made for children saying, “Wooden arrows made for adults would still be taxed like a son of a bitch!”.  He went on to say that fiberglass arrows would also remained taxed mainly because he wasn’t good friends with the guy who makes those.

 

This attachment got rave reviews from the State’s only wooden arrow maker (for children mind you), Zeke Maynard who said “YeeHaa!” as he danced around and shot wooden arrows into the air injuring 7 bystands, 5 of whom were children. Maynard said this was a victory for wooden arrow (for children mind you) makers everywhere.

Many in congress said this attachment comes as no surprise as Wyden and Smith have long been known for their talent at writing attachments to bills which are otherwise intelligent. Senator Danial Akaka(D-HI) said, “When these two put pen to paper, magic happens. This reminds me of the time they attached a bill to reduce the amount of taxes paid by makers of clown shoes. They single handedly saved that industry to the humorous delight of many.”

After the bill was passed it was back to work for Wyden and Smith as the two were feverishly working on their next bill attachment which involves tax breaks for companys that make indian head bands.

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