The World As I See It

February 26, 2017

Andy Harris to definitely, probably, most likely hold town hall meeting in Easton

Filed under: Andy Harris,comedy,funny,humor,politics,satire — scarlatti21 @ 5:21 pm
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andy

 

Andy Harris has confirmed this week that he would definitely, probably, most likely hold a brick-and-mortar (fancy way of saying in person) town hall meeting in Easton on March 31st assuming the Republicans have a replacement plan in place for the Affordable Care Act. Easton residents have been pressuring Harris to hold the in-person meeting in order to discuss their concerns about repealing the Affordable Care Act so holding the meeting after it’s been repealed makes complete sense.

Harris did leave the meeting open to being cancelled if no replacement plan is in place as of March 31st. While he admits nothing is in place yet, he did say that he helped write the first sentence which is one of the most kick-ass first sentences any bill has ever seen. Even President Trump said it was the best, the very best sentence any bill has ever seen. No one could write a better sentence. The best.

Harris has recently been refusing to attend town hall meetings saying they are “super scary” instead opting for tele-town hall meetings where he can hand pick the callers and make funny faces during the meeting with no one seeing. He also made a few prank calls during the meeting, telling people that answered that he was all ears and would love to hear their concerns. He could be heard giggling uncontrollably on the other end.

Easton residents had been calling Harris for weeks about meeting with them in person so that they could share their questions and concerns about the ACA repeal, so to have him schedule a meeting after the repeal has lead many residents to use the term “what the fuck” more often than they would’ve liked. “I had to explain to my ten year old how to use the term correctly,” said one constituent, “It was so cute once she finally used it right. Now every time she hears the name, Andy Harris, What the fuck is the first thing out of her mouth. It’s adorable.”

While Easton residents are excited, many are cautioning there optimism, “Vegas has the odds of Harris not cancelling the meeting at 20 to 1,” said one political analyst, “while the odds of Harris screwing his constituents is currently at 2 to 1.”

The residents of Easton are currently trying to secure the Easton High School auditorium for the event where they said a production of The King and I will be performed if Harris is a no show.

 

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December 19, 2016

Facebook to remove fake news……possibly shutting down the site

Filed under: comedy,facebook,fake news,funny,humor,satire,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:44 am
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fake_news

Facebook has announced that they will do everything in their power to limit fake news on the site after reports surfaced that false information may have altered the recent U.S. election. This lead many to wonder, who the fuck gets their news from Facebook? For his part, Zuckerberg said that limiting fake news presents complex problems both technically and philosophically, “We want people to feel free to share their opinions, thoughts, and pics from their four Caribbean vacations each year, without fear that we will flag it as fake news. Finding the real fake news is a dilly of a pickle.”

 

Facebook said their first line of defense will be to ban Fox News and CNN from the site and removing all of their articles. They will also ban all gun articles as a recent study found that nary a one was remotely close to factual. A Facebook spokesperson said that all cat videos will remain on the site. Memes will be banned immediately.

 

sophisticated-cat

 

Other social media sites weighed in on the issue with Twitter acknowledging that they would not attempt to edit out fake news due to 93% of all tweets being generated by Donald Trump. Snap Chat posted a message in support of removing fake news, but the note disappeared after only six seconds.

 

We snagged this screen shot 9 seconds after the post went up.

We snagged this screenshot of Snapchat’s message 9 seconds after it went up. Kind of ironic considering we successfully screenshot 7 nude pics that same day. Priorities people…….priorities.

 

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg said he wants people to get back to using Facebook for what it was intended for, breaking up marriages. “Facebook was intended to help people realize that everyone else has it better than them, then they locate an old High School flame, get to chatting, run off together, and everyone is happy,” said Zuckerberg. “It’s the American dream.

 

Political analysts weighed in on the topic saying that a great way to avoid getting fake political news from Facebook is to not rely on Facebook for your political information, going so far as to say that anyone who does rely on Facebook for their news is nothing short of a God damned idiot.

Users of the site were mixed on the topic with many saying they were for banning fake news since it clearly effected the election while others said there was no fake news on the site and that everything on the internet was true otherwise it wouldn’t be on the internet. A questionnaire answered by Democrats showed that they believe 97% of all articles posted by Republicans are fake while the same survey showed Republicans believe 96.8% of all articles posted by Democrats are fake. A bipartisan group study showed 98.9% of all articles were actually fake. The same study showed 97.3% of all memes to be wildly inaccurate.

Zuckerberg said that removing the fake news will take upwards of sixteen years so please show some patience.

 

It is noted that all information for this article was obtained from the internet and is considered sorta, kinda accurate.

July 3, 2016

My right to pony ownership

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,pony,satire — scarlatti21 @ 8:47 am
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My guard pony ready for work.

My guard pony ready for work.

With the most recent mass shooting my facebook feed exploded with opinions on gun control. I quickly grew tired of it, and then thought to myself that facebook should be renamed opinionbook, but that’s a different article. To try to return facebook to the light-hearted drivel it was supposed to be I began posting pictures of cute ponies. That got me to thinking, if posting pictures of cute ponies made me happy just think what owning one would do. I quickly decided to get a pony. Not because I necessarily needed one, but because I wanted one. And let’s be honest, it’s my constitutional right to own one.

I quickly contacted the pony store so that I could get the process started. I was pretty sure there would be a waiting period to confirm that I was a decent citizen who could own a pony. Things quickly soured when I was told that I couldn’t own a pony because I lived in town limits. WHAT?!?!? My pony ownership rights were being denied by the Government!!! How could they trample my 9th Amendment rights which clearly state, and I quote, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people”. Doesn’t get any clearer than that.

How could I feel safe in my home without a guard pony? Don’t I have the right to protect my family from crime? I want criminals to know that if they try to break into the Robert’s homestead they’re going to leave with a tattoo of two undersized hoof prints on their foreheads. And it’s not like I was trying to get a high powered equine, like a Clydesdale or something. And it wasn’t like I was asking for 50 ponies. I get that high capacity pony ownership is unnecessary and dangerous in town limits. But one pony, couldn’t I have just one pony?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

How are we supposed to defend ourselves if a stampede happens? I mean, criminals are going to still get ponies regardless of laws and we know that they’ll get more ponies than they need. When a stampede happens are you going to wait for the police? Hell no!! The best way to stop a stampeding is by a private citizen packing their own pony!

And let’s be honest. Ponies don’t nip people, people nip people. Responsible pony owners know that you must lock your ponies safely away in your yard so that accidental nippings don’t happen.

I will take my fight to the Supreme Court if I have too. My Constitutional rights will not be trampled!! Rise up people! It’s time to make America great again!! Who’s with me people?! Ponies for everyone!!

January 20, 2016

Snow Blankets Mid-Shore; Causes Shortages in Bread, Toilet Paper, Milk, Beer

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,satire,Snow — scarlatti21 @ 11:36 am
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The mid-shore region was blanketed with the first major snowfall of the season on Thursday, Jan. 2nd causing major shortages in toilet paper, bread, milk and Bud Light. “We’re not sure why snowstorms seem to give people explosive diarrhea, but it does,” said one grocery store manager, “Toilet Paper seems to be the 1st thing we run out of.”

 

Health department officials admit they have not been able to figure out the correlation between snow and diarrhea, but it’s clearly there. “During a snow storm that could leave you locked up in your house for as much as 24 hours, you should have at least 24 rolls of toilet paper,” said one Health department employee, “A roll per hour should be enough. You should also drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration.” The department said that more studies are being done to determine why snow causes diarrhea.

 

The Health department went on to provide what they considered to be their, “list of essentials for, snowstorms,” which included bread, milk, beer, and toilet paper. “During these severe mid-Atlantic storms people could be trapped in their homes for upwards of 24 hours,” said one department official, “It is important to have plenty of bread to stave off starvation, milk to stave off dehydration, beer because, let’s face it, being drunk is a hoot, and toilet paper because of the snowstorm squirts.”

 

As usual the event began as rain here on the mid-shore before switching over to snow. In Dorchester County alone accumulations varied from 3 to 8 inches leading many to believe that they don’t have a clue how to measure snow. “We keep measuring the snow up against fences as we’ve been taught,” said snow measuring expert, Zeke Thompson, “We’re seeing measurements as much as 4 inches different from one yard to the next. I’ve checked my snow measuring ruler like 10 times, everything seems fine with it. Numbers are in order.”

 

The State Police Department urge motorists to stay in during all snowstorms in the region and stressed that if you must venture out you should, “panic like the dickens,” and drive no faster than 10 mph. They went on to stress that, while most motorists travel 10 mph or slower, at least one knucklehead driver should travel at 60 mph sliding all over the rode, further panicking the people traveling 10 mph.

 

On the heels of the storm is an arctic blast that is bringing temperatures in the single digits with wind chills below 0 leading many to wonder what in the hell is wind chill? If it feels -10 why isn’t it -10? The Humane Society is urging everyone to bring in all pets and any deer, geese, foxes, racoons, etc. that may be roaming around your yard.

 

The town has also asked that residents take in any homeless in the area because when it’s really, really cold out we should care about the homeless. Town officials went on to say that during 55 degree and partly cloudy days the homeless seem to be happy as clams and need no shelter.

 

Experts expect this winter to be another tough one in the area with snowfall amounts pushing double digits and average temperatures hovering near 40 through most of the winter. “It’s time to strap on our big boy pants and get ready,” said one town official, “Mother Nature has stubbed her toe and we’re paying the price.”

 

Town officials said preparation is the best way to survive the winter and have provided a few suggestions on what to do to be ready for the snow and cold:

 

  1. Know how to work your heat – Turning the heat up will make the house warmer.
  2. Buy plenty of toilet paper – This will help combat the snowstorm squirts
  3. Buy lots of milk – Having strong bones is extremely important during snowstorms
  4. Stock up on beer – This is important regardless of temperature or precipitation.
  5. Bring all animals inside – Careful with possums. They’re feisty.
  6. Buy lots of bread – For some reason bread tastes really good during snowstorms. Other foods aren’t necessary.
  7. Don’t drive – Staying off the roads is important. If you must drive, go 10 mph and give the appearance as if you’ve never seen snow before.
  8. Rent Caddy Shack – It’s a funny ass movie.
  9. Prepare a nursery – In 9 months you will likely be greeting a new member of the family.
  10. Hire a neighborhood kid to shovel your sidewalk – You can grossly underpay them and they have no union to speak of.   These tips should help you during this cold, harsh winter. Stay safe and stay warm.

December 24, 2015

Christmas Tradition (F*&%ing Elf on the Shelf)

Filed under: christmas,comedy,elf,satire,shelf,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:44 am
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Christmas is a special time in our house. Whether it’s the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf, Clyde, or putting up our tree, having it fall and then putting the damn thing up again, it’s all smiles. Tradition is big to me and I would like to share a few of our family traditions that help us celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ and the arrival of Santa Clause and his magical reindeer.

Like most full blown Christians, my children anxiously await the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf. He arrives the morning after Thanksgiving, although most years he’s late due to me forgetting to put the God damned thing out. This year in particular I took my son hunting when my phone rang, my wife was on the line asking where our elf was. Our daughter had searched the whole house and couldn’t find him. Son-of-a-bitch!! I had forgotten the damn thing just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that! Whoever invented this horrid creation needs to be tarred and feathered.

I ran out of staging ideas for Clyde years ago. Every day! Every God damned day I have to move this thing and come up with some sort of creative hiding place and then write a funny note, only to have to do the whole thing over again tomorrow! It never ends!! And this year my daughter asked for a girl elf so that Clyde wouldn’t be lonely. Great!! Now I’ve got two damn elves to hide and write notes for. Wonderful!!

And of course I see my friends posting their amazing ideas for their elves. Well bravo you f*&king creative bastards! I’ve been regurgitation the same old scenarios over and over while you’re out there winning Oscars for elf display of the year! I no longer look forward to Christmas because of the excitement of Christmas, but because that little devil elf finally leaves us on Christmas Day!! Good riddance, Clyde…….and now Petunia, as well!!

Shortly after Clyde’s arrival we get our Christmas tree. Another joyous time in our house. For years my wife has argued for a fake tree, but I am a traditionalist. I like the smell of a real tree. And the constant watering. And the needles falling on the carpet. And the bare patches. And of course the inevitable falling of the tree which happens at least once every year. That’s part of Christmas.

After two hours of careful selection (how long does it take to pick out a freaking tree that you’re just going to throw away after Christmas anyway?) we finally bring our tree home where we struggle mightily to get the tree up without damaging too much of the house. After finally getting it up it’s time to crank up the Nat King Cole, pour a little vino, slap the lights on the tree, and put the ornaments on. Once done, we all step back and gaze in wonderment at our beautiful tree. It’s at that moment when the tree will slowly start to teeter before falling, in slow motion mind you, in our general direction. Every f*cking year!! Our personal record was three times in one year. I’m starting to think that trees weren’t meant to be cut down and resurrected in your house!

Next is the annual inspection of the ornaments! This occurs after the tree has fallen. We must go through each ornament to determine how many of the glass ones we’ve shattered with our annual tree falling ceremony. Nine time out of ten it’s my daughter’s ornaments that break. I’m convinced that God and the baby Jesus like to make children cry on Christmas. After discovering that the leg on her ballerina ornament has broken off she cries, and cries, and cries. It’s at this moment that I pour my second glass of vino.

Then we move on to the changing of the socks!! This is due to my socks being full of soppy, sappy water after the tree falling ceremony. Did you know a carpet will stay wet for two weeks after a tree falls? You do now!! While I change my socks, my wife leads the charge during the annual gluing of the ballerina leg part of our Christmas heritage.

After the tree is back up, the ornaments are back on the tree, and we’ve cleaned up all of the broken glass and dirty tree water it’s time to bake cookies!! My wife and daughter makes the cookies while I supervise. This requires another glass of wine! Apparently we are in competition with the Keebler Elves on who can make more cookies during the holiday season. This year we made an estimated 3,000 cookies. My daughter made Snickerdoodles especially for me because she knows how much I love them. Isn’t she a great daughter! The room starts to fill with the aroma of Snickerdoodles. Finally it’s time for the first batch to come out of the oven. That first one melts in my mouth. Delicious! I reach for my second one only to have my hand slapped and told that we are giving the rest away as gifts. What? One cookie! I only get one cookie? I’m already looking forward to next year’s annual cookie that I get to eat. Who knows? If I have a good year, maybe I’ll get two! With one cookie under my belt I’m ready for another glass of wine.

Well now we’re ready. Tree is up. Cookies are baked. Presents are wrap…….oh shit!! I haven’t wrapped a single present yet! I rush upstairs and scramble to find the presents I’ve bought. I suck at buying presents. More often than not I only have a handful of presents for my wife and make up the rest with cold hard cash!! Nothing says, “I love you”, like cash! To make things more exciting I put the money in multiple boxes, tons of wrapping paper, and enough tape to secure a prisoner. Finally, we’re ready for Christmas Day!

Christmas morning starts at roughly 7am. The kids try to start earlier, but we draw the line at 7. By 7:01 Christmas is done. Merry Christmas everyone!!

 

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