The World As I See It

May 10, 2017

Comey latest contestant ‘fired’ from the Apprentice

Filed under: comedy,Comey,funny,humor,politics,President,Trump,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:00 am
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Comey and Trump sharing a kiss during happier times.

 

In a surprise twist on last night’s episode of The Apprentice, contestant James Comey was fired. Experts thought he had a real chance of winning after he won the “get me elected” challenge easily, “It really looked like he had the inside track,” said the show’s Executive Producer, Kellyanne Conway, “But the Donald likes to keep us guessing.”

 

Many now feel that the clear favorite is Sean Spicer, “Spicer came out as this bumbling idiot, but Donald seems to like that,” said one expert, “Donald likes to feel like the smartest in the room which really limits who else can be in the room.”

 

Comey began the show on fire during the first challenge when he opened an “investigation” for the 18th time into Hillary’s email scandal, thus propelling Trump to a surprising victory. He later apologized saying that sometimes winning is worse than losing.

 

In a move that many are calling as close to a class act as Donald gets, Comey was informed of his firing when he heard it on CNN. He later received a nice letter and a gift basket from Trump. The gift basket was an edible arrangement which consisted of only lemons and sour grapes.

 

Comey said he has no idea what he will do next, but says he has no regrets and is glad as hell that he is off the show.

January 23, 2017

Letter from a 4th grader to Betsy Devos

Filed under: Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:05 pm

Dear Ms. Devos,

 

I am a fourth grader at Wapiti Elementary School in Wapiti, Wyoming. That’s correct, the same school that has been suffering from grizzly bear attacks like a son-of-a-bitch. I would like to personally thank you for being the first person to stand up for us little guys. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to go to a school that’s treated like a snack shack for grizzlies.

Just last week we were sitting through another boring math class when BAM! A grizzly slammed into the window next to my desk. He was a monster! Must have been at least 9 feet tall. I knew it was a he because when he stood up he was swinging this big old weenie in my face. Like a baby’s arm coming at me! Anyway, I did what any other lover of God’s creatures would do. I grabbed my Dad’s .357 magnum out of my school bag (I had brought it to school to show my friends. Don’t worry I wasn’t planning on shooting nobody!).  So I aim and fire one shot right at his forehead, KAPOW! Believe me when I say that this was the wrong time to find out grizzlies have concrete craniums!? That bullet ricocheted off that motherfucker’s head like a stone skipping off water. And boy did that light a fire under his ass! That fucker reared back, ding-a-ling swinging in the wind, and gave out a roar like a dinosaur. Are grizzlies part dinosaur? I figured you being the great educator that you are, you’d know!

Anywho, I’m really looking forward to when all of my classmates can have some grizzly whackers, that’s what we call them here, in class as well. Not to be a downer, but that grizzly I shot got a tad riled up after I skimmed his forehead and he dragged off poor Jimmy Fitzhugh. They’ve been finding pieces of that poor bastard for the better part of two days. That poor boy was a goofy son-of-a-bitch, but he certainly didn’t deserve to get torn to bits by a grizzly. Especially by one that had a tally whacker as big as this feller had! I’m confident that had we had twenty kids packing heat the result would’ve been much different. Sure, Jimmy would probably be one arm short of a pair, but at least that goofy one-armed bastard would still be here with us.

Snapped this picture of the beast on my phone right before the attack. Not sure who that photo bombing bastard in the photo is.

Snapped this picture of the beast on my phone right before the attack. Not sure who that photo bombing bastard in the photo is.

So in conclusion, God bless you. You’re the 1st Secretary of Education who has ever tried to help us with our grizzly bear problem. My class started with 28 students in the 1st grade. We’re down to 17 because of these elementary school children eating fuckers! A million thanks!

On a side note, can you also do something about common core? What in God’s name is up with that shit?

 

Sincerely,

Billy Murdoch

4th grader at Wapiti Elementary School

December 19, 2016

Facebook to remove fake news……possibly shutting down the site

Filed under: comedy,facebook,fake news,funny,humor,satire,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:44 am
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fake_news

Facebook has announced that they will do everything in their power to limit fake news on the site after reports surfaced that false information may have altered the recent U.S. election. This lead many to wonder, who the fuck gets their news from Facebook? For his part, Zuckerberg said that limiting fake news presents complex problems both technically and philosophically, “We want people to feel free to share their opinions, thoughts, and pics from their four Caribbean vacations each year, without fear that we will flag it as fake news. Finding the real fake news is a dilly of a pickle.”

 

Facebook said their first line of defense will be to ban Fox News and CNN from the site and removing all of their articles. They will also ban all gun articles as a recent study found that nary a one was remotely close to factual. A Facebook spokesperson said that all cat videos will remain on the site. Memes will be banned immediately.

 

sophisticated-cat

 

Other social media sites weighed in on the issue with Twitter acknowledging that they would not attempt to edit out fake news due to 93% of all tweets being generated by Donald Trump. Snap Chat posted a message in support of removing fake news, but the note disappeared after only six seconds.

 

We snagged this screen shot 9 seconds after the post went up.

We snagged this screenshot of Snapchat’s message 9 seconds after it went up. Kind of ironic considering we successfully screenshot 7 nude pics that same day. Priorities people…….priorities.

 

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg said he wants people to get back to using Facebook for what it was intended for, breaking up marriages. “Facebook was intended to help people realize that everyone else has it better than them, then they locate an old High School flame, get to chatting, run off together, and everyone is happy,” said Zuckerberg. “It’s the American dream.

 

Political analysts weighed in on the topic saying that a great way to avoid getting fake political news from Facebook is to not rely on Facebook for your political information, going so far as to say that anyone who does rely on Facebook for their news is nothing short of a God damned idiot.

Users of the site were mixed on the topic with many saying they were for banning fake news since it clearly effected the election while others said there was no fake news on the site and that everything on the internet was true otherwise it wouldn’t be on the internet. A questionnaire answered by Democrats showed that they believe 97% of all articles posted by Republicans are fake while the same survey showed Republicans believe 96.8% of all articles posted by Democrats are fake. A bipartisan group study showed 98.9% of all articles were actually fake. The same study showed 97.3% of all memes to be wildly inaccurate.

Zuckerberg said that removing the fake news will take upwards of sixteen years so please show some patience.

 

It is noted that all information for this article was obtained from the internet and is considered sorta, kinda accurate.

January 31, 2016

Shore finally gets BJ’s; Been a long time coming

Filed under: bearded clam,BJ's,comedy,dicks,funny,humor,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:34 pm
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ed pic

 

After an enormous amount of begging and pleading, promises to be more helpful around the house, pay more attention to the kids, and most importantly the promise to pay way more attention to your emotional needs, Easton is finally getting BJ’s.

Many in the area agree that it’s been a long time coming, but the wait was well worth it. “I feel like the promise of BJ’s was always there, but just out of reach,” said one ecstatic local man, “But now to finally have BJ’s? Wow! I feel like the wait was well worth it. That first BJ’s experience was mind blowing.”

While many are showing youthful exuberance at the arrival of BJ’s, others are more skeptical, “It was a lot to take in,” said one local mom, “I thought I’d be ok with BJ’s, but in and out once and I was done!” The young woman’s dejected looking husband said he was going to go home and maybe work out and try to put it out of his mind that he and his wife would never again entertain the idea of BJ’s.

Town officials said they have been pleased with the overall reaction to BJ’s and said that it has even brought an influx of people from surrounding areas looking to get their BJ’s fix, “People all over the shore have been wanting BJ’s to come to the area,” said one official, “We’re excited that Easton is the epicenter for many people having their first BJ’s experience. This is an exciting time for young and old alike.”

Town officials went on to say that they are hoping the arrival of BJ’s will help Dick’s after Dick’s took a pounding in the 4th quarter. “Dick’s took a real beating,” said one town official, “We’re hoping that BJ’s will prop Dick’s back up where it belongs.”

It is important to note that as nice as BJ’s is, BJ’s is not for everyone and store management wanted to stress that no one should force BJ’s on anyone, “We understand that some people are leery of BJ’s,” said store manager, Harold Peters, “it may take some people some time before they accept BJ’s. Others will avoid BJ’s altogether. That’s ok. To each their own. BJ’s is an acquired taste.”

BJ’s officials said that early reports indicate that men appear to be enjoying the BJ’s experience more than women leading BJ’s to consider opening a clam bar, “Studies show that women like when clams are eaten,” said one store manager,” We don’t know the correlation, but who are we to question science? If women like clams eaten, then eaten clams we shall give them.”

Many agreed that if you are going to visit BJ’s that eating clams should definitely be part of the experience. No word yet on when the clam bar will be open, but store officials have confirmed that they are in talks with the owners of The Bearded Clam in Sarasota, Fl. about opening a Bearded Clam so that Eastonians can enjoy Dicks, BJ’s and eating at The Bearded Clam without having to travel out of their comfort zone.

 

December 24, 2015

Christmas Tradition (F*&%ing Elf on the Shelf)

Filed under: christmas,comedy,elf,satire,shelf,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:44 am
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Christmas is a special time in our house. Whether it’s the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf, Clyde, or putting up our tree, having it fall and then putting the damn thing up again, it’s all smiles. Tradition is big to me and I would like to share a few of our family traditions that help us celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ and the arrival of Santa Clause and his magical reindeer.

Like most full blown Christians, my children anxiously await the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf. He arrives the morning after Thanksgiving, although most years he’s late due to me forgetting to put the God damned thing out. This year in particular I took my son hunting when my phone rang, my wife was on the line asking where our elf was. Our daughter had searched the whole house and couldn’t find him. Son-of-a-bitch!! I had forgotten the damn thing just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that! Whoever invented this horrid creation needs to be tarred and feathered.

I ran out of staging ideas for Clyde years ago. Every day! Every God damned day I have to move this thing and come up with some sort of creative hiding place and then write a funny note, only to have to do the whole thing over again tomorrow! It never ends!! And this year my daughter asked for a girl elf so that Clyde wouldn’t be lonely. Great!! Now I’ve got two damn elves to hide and write notes for. Wonderful!!

And of course I see my friends posting their amazing ideas for their elves. Well bravo you f*&king creative bastards! I’ve been regurgitation the same old scenarios over and over while you’re out there winning Oscars for elf display of the year! I no longer look forward to Christmas because of the excitement of Christmas, but because that little devil elf finally leaves us on Christmas Day!! Good riddance, Clyde…….and now Petunia, as well!!

Shortly after Clyde’s arrival we get our Christmas tree. Another joyous time in our house. For years my wife has argued for a fake tree, but I am a traditionalist. I like the smell of a real tree. And the constant watering. And the needles falling on the carpet. And the bare patches. And of course the inevitable falling of the tree which happens at least once every year. That’s part of Christmas.

After two hours of careful selection (how long does it take to pick out a freaking tree that you’re just going to throw away after Christmas anyway?) we finally bring our tree home where we struggle mightily to get the tree up without damaging too much of the house. After finally getting it up it’s time to crank up the Nat King Cole, pour a little vino, slap the lights on the tree, and put the ornaments on. Once done, we all step back and gaze in wonderment at our beautiful tree. It’s at that moment when the tree will slowly start to teeter before falling, in slow motion mind you, in our general direction. Every f*cking year!! Our personal record was three times in one year. I’m starting to think that trees weren’t meant to be cut down and resurrected in your house!

Next is the annual inspection of the ornaments! This occurs after the tree has fallen. We must go through each ornament to determine how many of the glass ones we’ve shattered with our annual tree falling ceremony. Nine time out of ten it’s my daughter’s ornaments that break. I’m convinced that God and the baby Jesus like to make children cry on Christmas. After discovering that the leg on her ballerina ornament has broken off she cries, and cries, and cries. It’s at this moment that I pour my second glass of vino.

Then we move on to the changing of the socks!! This is due to my socks being full of soppy, sappy water after the tree falling ceremony. Did you know a carpet will stay wet for two weeks after a tree falls? You do now!! While I change my socks, my wife leads the charge during the annual gluing of the ballerina leg part of our Christmas heritage.

After the tree is back up, the ornaments are back on the tree, and we’ve cleaned up all of the broken glass and dirty tree water it’s time to bake cookies!! My wife and daughter makes the cookies while I supervise. This requires another glass of wine! Apparently we are in competition with the Keebler Elves on who can make more cookies during the holiday season. This year we made an estimated 3,000 cookies. My daughter made Snickerdoodles especially for me because she knows how much I love them. Isn’t she a great daughter! The room starts to fill with the aroma of Snickerdoodles. Finally it’s time for the first batch to come out of the oven. That first one melts in my mouth. Delicious! I reach for my second one only to have my hand slapped and told that we are giving the rest away as gifts. What? One cookie! I only get one cookie? I’m already looking forward to next year’s annual cookie that I get to eat. Who knows? If I have a good year, maybe I’ll get two! With one cookie under my belt I’m ready for another glass of wine.

Well now we’re ready. Tree is up. Cookies are baked. Presents are wrap…….oh shit!! I haven’t wrapped a single present yet! I rush upstairs and scramble to find the presents I’ve bought. I suck at buying presents. More often than not I only have a handful of presents for my wife and make up the rest with cold hard cash!! Nothing says, “I love you”, like cash! To make things more exciting I put the money in multiple boxes, tons of wrapping paper, and enough tape to secure a prisoner. Finally, we’re ready for Christmas Day!

Christmas morning starts at roughly 7am. The kids try to start earlier, but we draw the line at 7. By 7:01 Christmas is done. Merry Christmas everyone!!

 

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