The World As I See It

September 3, 2016

9th Grader refuses to stand for pledge of allegiance until Colin Kaepernick no longer makes ridiculous amount of money to be a back-up quarterback

Filed under: anthem,comedy,funny,humor,Kaepernick,pledge — scarlatti21 @ 9:05 am
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Young Tommy Keister clearly shown sitting during The Pledge of Allegiance. Trust us, he's there. He's behind the flag so you can't really see him but he's there. It was the best angle we could get what with the other students and such and the teacher not letting us further into the classroom because we were being "disruptive". Whatever

Young Tommy Keister clearly shown sitting during The Pledge of Allegiance. Trust us, he’s there. He’s behind the flag so you can’t really see him but he’s there. It was the best angle we could get what with the other students and such and the teacher not letting us further into the classroom because we were being “disruptive”. Whatever

9th grader, Tommy Keister has refused to stand for Washington High School’s morning pledge until NFL backup, Colin Kaepernick is no longer making $19,000,000 to sit the bench and watch 16 football games a season when his own Dad has to work two jobs as a janitor and restaurant dishwasher just to make ends meet. “My Dad works from daybreak to midnight just so we have food, a place to live, clothes to wear, and the basics in life and has no time to spend with us,” said a distraught Keister, “while this douche, I’m sorry, I mean Mr. Kaepernick makes an insane amount of money to sit the bench and watch other people play football. How can I pledge allegiance to a country that supports that?”

This is not the first time the young revolutionary has used the power of protest to improve the world. When Keister was in 7th grade he refused to recite The Lord’s Prayer in church until God damned Kanye West to hell. The protest ended in success after Kanye married into the Kardashian family.

Keister admitted that he understands Kaepernick’s current refusal to stand and instead sit on the bench during the playing of The Star Spangled Banner saying, “If I was getting paid $19,000,000 to sit the bench I’d feel the need to put in some overtime as well.”

“Let’s face it, if Kaepernick stopped playing football no one would bat an eye, but if my Dad didn’t clean the toilet bowl at the Piggly Wiggly where he works you’d damn well notice,” said Keister. The young man went on to say that his Dad is really hoping that the minimum wage is raised to $15 so that maybe he could work only one job and be around a little more and maybe, just maybe, even come to one of his own son’s games. He admitted that on $15 an hour they still wouldn’t have the money to go to a San Francisco game to see Kaepernick sit the bench.

Keister’s classmates say they understand Keister’s right to sit during The Pledge of Allegiance, but say that they feel it’s disrespectful to not pledge his allegiance when there are men like Kaepernick who have fought hard for this country and have earned the right to make $19,000,000 a year to sit the bench while janitor’s make $10 an hour if they’re lucky. Many went on to say that with that kind of money they can’t figure out why Kaepernick can’t pay a stylist to do something with that rat’s nest that sits upon his head.

49ers officials have stated that they are aware of Keister’s protest and that they are considering cutting Kaepernick, although they said it had little to do with the protest and more to do with Kaepernick sucking at football and just being an overall douche in general.

During their most recent game rather than sit on the bench during The national Anthem, Kaepernick took a knee which isn’t really a protest per se, but more or less just being different than everybody else which just takes him to a new level of douche baggery. Young Keister has said that in response to Kaepernick’s kneeling rather than sitting the bench he will alter his protest and now lay across his desk making fart noises during The Pledge of Allegiance.

 

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July 3, 2016

My right to pony ownership

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,pony,satire — scarlatti21 @ 8:47 am
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My guard pony ready for work.

My guard pony ready for work.

With the most recent mass shooting my facebook feed exploded with opinions on gun control. I quickly grew tired of it, and then thought to myself that facebook should be renamed opinionbook, but that’s a different article. To try to return facebook to the light-hearted drivel it was supposed to be I began posting pictures of cute ponies. That got me to thinking, if posting pictures of cute ponies made me happy just think what owning one would do. I quickly decided to get a pony. Not because I necessarily needed one, but because I wanted one. And let’s be honest, it’s my constitutional right to own one.

I quickly contacted the pony store so that I could get the process started. I was pretty sure there would be a waiting period to confirm that I was a decent citizen who could own a pony. Things quickly soured when I was told that I couldn’t own a pony because I lived in town limits. WHAT?!?!? My pony ownership rights were being denied by the Government!!! How could they trample my 9th Amendment rights which clearly state, and I quote, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people”. Doesn’t get any clearer than that.

How could I feel safe in my home without a guard pony? Don’t I have the right to protect my family from crime? I want criminals to know that if they try to break into the Robert’s homestead they’re going to leave with a tattoo of two undersized hoof prints on their foreheads. And it’s not like I was trying to get a high powered equine, like a Clydesdale or something. And it wasn’t like I was asking for 50 ponies. I get that high capacity pony ownership is unnecessary and dangerous in town limits. But one pony, couldn’t I have just one pony?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

How are we supposed to defend ourselves if a stampede happens? I mean, criminals are going to still get ponies regardless of laws and we know that they’ll get more ponies than they need. When a stampede happens are you going to wait for the police? Hell no!! The best way to stop a stampeding is by a private citizen packing their own pony!

And let’s be honest. Ponies don’t nip people, people nip people. Responsible pony owners know that you must lock your ponies safely away in your yard so that accidental nippings don’t happen.

I will take my fight to the Supreme Court if I have too. My Constitutional rights will not be trampled!! Rise up people! It’s time to make America great again!! Who’s with me people?! Ponies for everyone!!

January 31, 2016

Shore finally gets BJ’s; Been a long time coming

Filed under: bearded clam,BJ's,comedy,dicks,funny,humor,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:34 pm
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ed pic

 

After an enormous amount of begging and pleading, promises to be more helpful around the house, pay more attention to the kids, and most importantly the promise to pay way more attention to your emotional needs, Easton is finally getting BJ’s.

Many in the area agree that it’s been a long time coming, but the wait was well worth it. “I feel like the promise of BJ’s was always there, but just out of reach,” said one ecstatic local man, “But now to finally have BJ’s? Wow! I feel like the wait was well worth it. That first BJ’s experience was mind blowing.”

While many are showing youthful exuberance at the arrival of BJ’s, others are more skeptical, “It was a lot to take in,” said one local mom, “I thought I’d be ok with BJ’s, but in and out once and I was done!” The young woman’s dejected looking husband said he was going to go home and maybe work out and try to put it out of his mind that he and his wife would never again entertain the idea of BJ’s.

Town officials said they have been pleased with the overall reaction to BJ’s and said that it has even brought an influx of people from surrounding areas looking to get their BJ’s fix, “People all over the shore have been wanting BJ’s to come to the area,” said one official, “We’re excited that Easton is the epicenter for many people having their first BJ’s experience. This is an exciting time for young and old alike.”

Town officials went on to say that they are hoping the arrival of BJ’s will help Dick’s after Dick’s took a pounding in the 4th quarter. “Dick’s took a real beating,” said one town official, “We’re hoping that BJ’s will prop Dick’s back up where it belongs.”

It is important to note that as nice as BJ’s is, BJ’s is not for everyone and store management wanted to stress that no one should force BJ’s on anyone, “We understand that some people are leery of BJ’s,” said store manager, Harold Peters, “it may take some people some time before they accept BJ’s. Others will avoid BJ’s altogether. That’s ok. To each their own. BJ’s is an acquired taste.”

BJ’s officials said that early reports indicate that men appear to be enjoying the BJ’s experience more than women leading BJ’s to consider opening a clam bar, “Studies show that women like when clams are eaten,” said one store manager,” We don’t know the correlation, but who are we to question science? If women like clams eaten, then eaten clams we shall give them.”

Many agreed that if you are going to visit BJ’s that eating clams should definitely be part of the experience. No word yet on when the clam bar will be open, but store officials have confirmed that they are in talks with the owners of The Bearded Clam in Sarasota, Fl. about opening a Bearded Clam so that Eastonians can enjoy Dicks, BJ’s and eating at The Bearded Clam without having to travel out of their comfort zone.

 

January 23, 2016

Blizzard survival tips

Filed under: blizzard,comedy,funny,humor — scarlatti21 @ 1:09 pm
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snowSo you’re stuck in a blizzard. Let’s not panic. There are a number of things you can do to make the experience as painless as possible. Let’s take a look-see, shall we?

First things first, prepare yourself some toast. Proper blizzard preparation skills have taught us over the years that having a one month supply of bread is essential to survival. During non-blizzard conditions a two day supply is more than enough.

After eating our toast we will need to have our first poop of the day. Hopefully you had the foresight to buy 48 rolls of toilet paper. You’ll need ’em!! The snow squirts are real and you do not want to have to turn to paper towels!!

Now that we’ve had our toast and poop #1 it’s time for the first shoveling of the day. Now we’re only 12 inches (haha!!) in to a 24 inch storm, but we can’t wait until the end to start shoveling. No sir! We need to shovel the first 12 inches (haha!!) to make room for the next 12 inches (haha!!). If you’re lucky like me you have a teenage son, someone who can fully appreciate a freshly shoveled sidewalk when they roll out of bed at 11:00.

So the shoveling is done and it’s time for another poop. Hopefully you didn’t buy single ply Scott’s toilet paper. If you did this could be a long day for you. And you’re going to want to avoid taking a hot bath later. It will sting like the dickens.

Well looky at that! It’s 11 0’clock and time to open bottle #1 of the twelve bottles of wine you thought to buy. I realize it’s not quite noon, but blizzard time is different! And one glass isn’t a problem. We’ll worry about that once we hit glass #4 at 2:00 and our speech is a bit slurred, or as I like to call it, my blizzard pirate voice!

Time for poop #3. Take the bottle of wine with you. This could take a while.

Finally time to sit down with the wife for a movie. Doesn’t matter what movie you choose since your vision is a little blurry at this point. The wine is going to try to convince you to grab your wife inappropriately during the movie. Try to avoid this. The wine doesn’t always think straight. Probably best to just go take a poop.

Woah! Look at that! It’s 8:30! You’ve been sleeping on the toilet for the better part of 3 hours! Time to get up and head to bed. Uh-oh. One more poop first.

You’ve done it! 9:00 o’clock and you’re off to bed, having survived the blizzard. Except that you forgot to shovel the sidewalk and driveway one last time. Shit!! Screw it. You’re still going to bed.

January 20, 2016

Snow Blankets Mid-Shore; Causes Shortages in Bread, Toilet Paper, Milk, Beer

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,satire,Snow — scarlatti21 @ 11:36 am
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The mid-shore region was blanketed with the first major snowfall of the season on Thursday, Jan. 2nd causing major shortages in toilet paper, bread, milk and Bud Light. “We’re not sure why snowstorms seem to give people explosive diarrhea, but it does,” said one grocery store manager, “Toilet Paper seems to be the 1st thing we run out of.”

 

Health department officials admit they have not been able to figure out the correlation between snow and diarrhea, but it’s clearly there. “During a snow storm that could leave you locked up in your house for as much as 24 hours, you should have at least 24 rolls of toilet paper,” said one Health department employee, “A roll per hour should be enough. You should also drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration.” The department said that more studies are being done to determine why snow causes diarrhea.

 

The Health department went on to provide what they considered to be their, “list of essentials for, snowstorms,” which included bread, milk, beer, and toilet paper. “During these severe mid-Atlantic storms people could be trapped in their homes for upwards of 24 hours,” said one department official, “It is important to have plenty of bread to stave off starvation, milk to stave off dehydration, beer because, let’s face it, being drunk is a hoot, and toilet paper because of the snowstorm squirts.”

 

As usual the event began as rain here on the mid-shore before switching over to snow. In Dorchester County alone accumulations varied from 3 to 8 inches leading many to believe that they don’t have a clue how to measure snow. “We keep measuring the snow up against fences as we’ve been taught,” said snow measuring expert, Zeke Thompson, “We’re seeing measurements as much as 4 inches different from one yard to the next. I’ve checked my snow measuring ruler like 10 times, everything seems fine with it. Numbers are in order.”

 

The State Police Department urge motorists to stay in during all snowstorms in the region and stressed that if you must venture out you should, “panic like the dickens,” and drive no faster than 10 mph. They went on to stress that, while most motorists travel 10 mph or slower, at least one knucklehead driver should travel at 60 mph sliding all over the rode, further panicking the people traveling 10 mph.

 

On the heels of the storm is an arctic blast that is bringing temperatures in the single digits with wind chills below 0 leading many to wonder what in the hell is wind chill? If it feels -10 why isn’t it -10? The Humane Society is urging everyone to bring in all pets and any deer, geese, foxes, racoons, etc. that may be roaming around your yard.

 

The town has also asked that residents take in any homeless in the area because when it’s really, really cold out we should care about the homeless. Town officials went on to say that during 55 degree and partly cloudy days the homeless seem to be happy as clams and need no shelter.

 

Experts expect this winter to be another tough one in the area with snowfall amounts pushing double digits and average temperatures hovering near 40 through most of the winter. “It’s time to strap on our big boy pants and get ready,” said one town official, “Mother Nature has stubbed her toe and we’re paying the price.”

 

Town officials said preparation is the best way to survive the winter and have provided a few suggestions on what to do to be ready for the snow and cold:

 

  1. Know how to work your heat – Turning the heat up will make the house warmer.
  2. Buy plenty of toilet paper – This will help combat the snowstorm squirts
  3. Buy lots of milk – Having strong bones is extremely important during snowstorms
  4. Stock up on beer – This is important regardless of temperature or precipitation.
  5. Bring all animals inside – Careful with possums. They’re feisty.
  6. Buy lots of bread – For some reason bread tastes really good during snowstorms. Other foods aren’t necessary.
  7. Don’t drive – Staying off the roads is important. If you must drive, go 10 mph and give the appearance as if you’ve never seen snow before.
  8. Rent Caddy Shack – It’s a funny ass movie.
  9. Prepare a nursery – In 9 months you will likely be greeting a new member of the family.
  10. Hire a neighborhood kid to shovel your sidewalk – You can grossly underpay them and they have no union to speak of.   These tips should help you during this cold, harsh winter. Stay safe and stay warm.
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