The World As I See It

June 21, 2017

NASA to finally probe Uranus

Filed under: comedy,NASA,probe,Uranus — scarlatti21 @ 6:39 pm
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Picture of Uranus looking almost like a black hole

After years of begging and pleading and doing extra dishes at the office, Scientist Dr. Harold Ball, was finally given the green light to probe Uranus. Dr. Ball said he first broached the topic of probing Uranus years ago, but was met with stern resistance, “Things got really awkward and we really didn’t talk about it at all for awhile,” said Dr. Ball, “so I just went back to probing the areas I had been probing all along, but after a while that got boring and I figured enough time had gone by so I decided to ask again about probing Uranus.”

Dr. Ball admitted that he’s a little nervous about probing Uranus, but just feels that the time is finally right. Dr. ball said he still has some concerns as he knows the surface area of Uranus can be very sensitive and he doesn’t want to cause any damage to Uranus, “We can’t just ram something into Uranus,” said the Doctor, “We need to take it nice and slow to make sure we preserve Uranus for future probings. If we cause any significant damage to Uranus we know this whole project could be shut down for good.”

Dr. Ball said he’s excited about the project as little is known about Uranus, “Many people don’t understand anything about Uranus. Most people think it’s nothing more than a black hole.”

Dr. Ball said he will be assisted in the probing by British scientist, Roger Smyth. “I can’t wait for Dr. Smyth to give Uranus a good Rogering,” Dr. Ball said with a chuckle while doing his best British accent.

Both scientists agreed that the probing of Uranus was a long time coming, “You can only probe the same areas for so long before you get bored, you know,” Dr. Ball sighed, “I’ve been dying to get the chance to probe Uranus. I know probing Uranus is really taboo in the science world, but I just don’t care anymore.”

Many scientists at NASA agree that this will likely be a one and done probing and that Dr. Ball will be back to probing the same old areas by next week.

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May 10, 2017

Comey latest contestant ‘fired’ from the Apprentice

Filed under: comedy,Comey,funny,humor,politics,President,Trump,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:00 am
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Comey and Trump sharing a kiss during happier times.

 

In a surprise twist on last night’s episode of The Apprentice, contestant James Comey was fired. Experts thought he had a real chance of winning after he won the “get me elected” challenge easily, “It really looked like he had the inside track,” said the show’s Executive Producer, Kellyanne Conway, “But the Donald likes to keep us guessing.”

 

Many now feel that the clear favorite is Sean Spicer, “Spicer came out as this bumbling idiot, but Donald seems to like that,” said one expert, “Donald likes to feel like the smartest in the room which really limits who else can be in the room.”

 

Comey began the show on fire during the first challenge when he opened an “investigation” for the 18th time into Hillary’s email scandal, thus propelling Trump to a surprising victory. He later apologized saying that sometimes winning is worse than losing.

 

In a move that many are calling as close to a class act as Donald gets, Comey was informed of his firing when he heard it on CNN. He later received a nice letter and a gift basket from Trump. The gift basket was an edible arrangement which consisted of only lemons and sour grapes.

 

Comey said he has no idea what he will do next, but says he has no regrets and is glad as hell that he is off the show.

February 26, 2017

Andy Harris to definitely, probably, most likely hold town hall meeting in Easton

Filed under: Andy Harris,comedy,funny,humor,politics,satire — scarlatti21 @ 5:21 pm
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andy

 

Andy Harris has confirmed this week that he would definitely, probably, most likely hold a brick-and-mortar (fancy way of saying in person) town hall meeting in Easton on March 31st assuming the Republicans have a replacement plan in place for the Affordable Care Act. Easton residents have been pressuring Harris to hold the in-person meeting in order to discuss their concerns about repealing the Affordable Care Act so holding the meeting after it’s been repealed makes complete sense.

Harris did leave the meeting open to being cancelled if no replacement plan is in place as of March 31st. While he admits nothing is in place yet, he did say that he helped write the first sentence which is one of the most kick-ass first sentences any bill has ever seen. Even President Trump said it was the best, the very best sentence any bill has ever seen. No one could write a better sentence. The best.

Harris has recently been refusing to attend town hall meetings saying they are “super scary” instead opting for tele-town hall meetings where he can hand pick the callers and make funny faces during the meeting with no one seeing. He also made a few prank calls during the meeting, telling people that answered that he was all ears and would love to hear their concerns. He could be heard giggling uncontrollably on the other end.

Easton residents had been calling Harris for weeks about meeting with them in person so that they could share their questions and concerns about the ACA repeal, so to have him schedule a meeting after the repeal has lead many residents to use the term “what the fuck” more often than they would’ve liked. “I had to explain to my ten year old how to use the term correctly,” said one constituent, “It was so cute once she finally used it right. Now every time she hears the name, Andy Harris, What the fuck is the first thing out of her mouth. It’s adorable.”

While Easton residents are excited, many are cautioning there optimism, “Vegas has the odds of Harris not cancelling the meeting at 20 to 1,” said one political analyst, “while the odds of Harris screwing his constituents is currently at 2 to 1.”

The residents of Easton are currently trying to secure the Easton High School auditorium for the event where they said a production of The King and I will be performed if Harris is a no show.

 

December 19, 2016

Facebook to remove fake news……possibly shutting down the site

Filed under: comedy,facebook,fake news,funny,humor,satire,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:44 am
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fake_news

Facebook has announced that they will do everything in their power to limit fake news on the site after reports surfaced that false information may have altered the recent U.S. election. This lead many to wonder, who the fuck gets their news from Facebook? For his part, Zuckerberg said that limiting fake news presents complex problems both technically and philosophically, “We want people to feel free to share their opinions, thoughts, and pics from their four Caribbean vacations each year, without fear that we will flag it as fake news. Finding the real fake news is a dilly of a pickle.”

 

Facebook said their first line of defense will be to ban Fox News and CNN from the site and removing all of their articles. They will also ban all gun articles as a recent study found that nary a one was remotely close to factual. A Facebook spokesperson said that all cat videos will remain on the site. Memes will be banned immediately.

 

sophisticated-cat

 

Other social media sites weighed in on the issue with Twitter acknowledging that they would not attempt to edit out fake news due to 93% of all tweets being generated by Donald Trump. Snap Chat posted a message in support of removing fake news, but the note disappeared after only six seconds.

 

We snagged this screen shot 9 seconds after the post went up.

We snagged this screenshot of Snapchat’s message 9 seconds after it went up. Kind of ironic considering we successfully screenshot 7 nude pics that same day. Priorities people…….priorities.

 

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg said he wants people to get back to using Facebook for what it was intended for, breaking up marriages. “Facebook was intended to help people realize that everyone else has it better than them, then they locate an old High School flame, get to chatting, run off together, and everyone is happy,” said Zuckerberg. “It’s the American dream.

 

Political analysts weighed in on the topic saying that a great way to avoid getting fake political news from Facebook is to not rely on Facebook for your political information, going so far as to say that anyone who does rely on Facebook for their news is nothing short of a God damned idiot.

Users of the site were mixed on the topic with many saying they were for banning fake news since it clearly effected the election while others said there was no fake news on the site and that everything on the internet was true otherwise it wouldn’t be on the internet. A questionnaire answered by Democrats showed that they believe 97% of all articles posted by Republicans are fake while the same survey showed Republicans believe 96.8% of all articles posted by Democrats are fake. A bipartisan group study showed 98.9% of all articles were actually fake. The same study showed 97.3% of all memes to be wildly inaccurate.

Zuckerberg said that removing the fake news will take upwards of sixteen years so please show some patience.

 

It is noted that all information for this article was obtained from the internet and is considered sorta, kinda accurate.

January 31, 2016

Shore finally gets BJ’s; Been a long time coming

Filed under: bearded clam,BJ's,comedy,dicks,funny,humor,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:34 pm
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ed pic

 

After an enormous amount of begging and pleading, promises to be more helpful around the house, pay more attention to the kids, and most importantly the promise to pay way more attention to your emotional needs, Easton is finally getting BJ’s.

Many in the area agree that it’s been a long time coming, but the wait was well worth it. “I feel like the promise of BJ’s was always there, but just out of reach,” said one ecstatic local man, “But now to finally have BJ’s? Wow! I feel like the wait was well worth it. That first BJ’s experience was mind blowing.”

While many are showing youthful exuberance at the arrival of BJ’s, others are more skeptical, “It was a lot to take in,” said one local mom, “I thought I’d be ok with BJ’s, but in and out once and I was done!” The young woman’s dejected looking husband said he was going to go home and maybe work out and try to put it out of his mind that he and his wife would never again entertain the idea of BJ’s.

Town officials said they have been pleased with the overall reaction to BJ’s and said that it has even brought an influx of people from surrounding areas looking to get their BJ’s fix, “People all over the shore have been wanting BJ’s to come to the area,” said one official, “We’re excited that Easton is the epicenter for many people having their first BJ’s experience. This is an exciting time for young and old alike.”

Town officials went on to say that they are hoping the arrival of BJ’s will help Dick’s after Dick’s took a pounding in the 4th quarter. “Dick’s took a real beating,” said one town official, “We’re hoping that BJ’s will prop Dick’s back up where it belongs.”

It is important to note that as nice as BJ’s is, BJ’s is not for everyone and store management wanted to stress that no one should force BJ’s on anyone, “We understand that some people are leery of BJ’s,” said store manager, Harold Peters, “it may take some people some time before they accept BJ’s. Others will avoid BJ’s altogether. That’s ok. To each their own. BJ’s is an acquired taste.”

BJ’s officials said that early reports indicate that men appear to be enjoying the BJ’s experience more than women leading BJ’s to consider opening a clam bar, “Studies show that women like when clams are eaten,” said one store manager,” We don’t know the correlation, but who are we to question science? If women like clams eaten, then eaten clams we shall give them.”

Many agreed that if you are going to visit BJ’s that eating clams should definitely be part of the experience. No word yet on when the clam bar will be open, but store officials have confirmed that they are in talks with the owners of The Bearded Clam in Sarasota, Fl. about opening a Bearded Clam so that Eastonians can enjoy Dicks, BJ’s and eating at The Bearded Clam without having to travel out of their comfort zone.

 

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