The World As I See It

January 20, 2016

Snow Blankets Mid-Shore; Causes Shortages in Bread, Toilet Paper, Milk, Beer

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,satire,Snow — scarlatti21 @ 11:36 am
Tags: , , , , ,

The mid-shore region was blanketed with the first major snowfall of the season on Thursday, Jan. 2nd causing major shortages in toilet paper, bread, milk and Bud Light. “We’re not sure why snowstorms seem to give people explosive diarrhea, but it does,” said one grocery store manager, “Toilet Paper seems to be the 1st thing we run out of.”

 

Health department officials admit they have not been able to figure out the correlation between snow and diarrhea, but it’s clearly there. “During a snow storm that could leave you locked up in your house for as much as 24 hours, you should have at least 24 rolls of toilet paper,” said one Health department employee, “A roll per hour should be enough. You should also drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration.” The department said that more studies are being done to determine why snow causes diarrhea.

 

The Health department went on to provide what they considered to be their, “list of essentials for, snowstorms,” which included bread, milk, beer, and toilet paper. “During these severe mid-Atlantic storms people could be trapped in their homes for upwards of 24 hours,” said one department official, “It is important to have plenty of bread to stave off starvation, milk to stave off dehydration, beer because, let’s face it, being drunk is a hoot, and toilet paper because of the snowstorm squirts.”

 

As usual the event began as rain here on the mid-shore before switching over to snow. In Dorchester County alone accumulations varied from 3 to 8 inches leading many to believe that they don’t have a clue how to measure snow. “We keep measuring the snow up against fences as we’ve been taught,” said snow measuring expert, Zeke Thompson, “We’re seeing measurements as much as 4 inches different from one yard to the next. I’ve checked my snow measuring ruler like 10 times, everything seems fine with it. Numbers are in order.”

 

The State Police Department urge motorists to stay in during all snowstorms in the region and stressed that if you must venture out you should, “panic like the dickens,” and drive no faster than 10 mph. They went on to stress that, while most motorists travel 10 mph or slower, at least one knucklehead driver should travel at 60 mph sliding all over the rode, further panicking the people traveling 10 mph.

 

On the heels of the storm is an arctic blast that is bringing temperatures in the single digits with wind chills below 0 leading many to wonder what in the hell is wind chill? If it feels -10 why isn’t it -10? The Humane Society is urging everyone to bring in all pets and any deer, geese, foxes, racoons, etc. that may be roaming around your yard.

 

The town has also asked that residents take in any homeless in the area because when it’s really, really cold out we should care about the homeless. Town officials went on to say that during 55 degree and partly cloudy days the homeless seem to be happy as clams and need no shelter.

 

Experts expect this winter to be another tough one in the area with snowfall amounts pushing double digits and average temperatures hovering near 40 through most of the winter. “It’s time to strap on our big boy pants and get ready,” said one town official, “Mother Nature has stubbed her toe and we’re paying the price.”

 

Town officials said preparation is the best way to survive the winter and have provided a few suggestions on what to do to be ready for the snow and cold:

 

  1. Know how to work your heat – Turning the heat up will make the house warmer.
  2. Buy plenty of toilet paper – This will help combat the snowstorm squirts
  3. Buy lots of milk – Having strong bones is extremely important during snowstorms
  4. Stock up on beer – This is important regardless of temperature or precipitation.
  5. Bring all animals inside – Careful with possums. They’re feisty.
  6. Buy lots of bread – For some reason bread tastes really good during snowstorms. Other foods aren’t necessary.
  7. Don’t drive – Staying off the roads is important. If you must drive, go 10 mph and give the appearance as if you’ve never seen snow before.
  8. Rent Caddy Shack – It’s a funny ass movie.
  9. Prepare a nursery – In 9 months you will likely be greeting a new member of the family.
  10. Hire a neighborhood kid to shovel your sidewalk – You can grossly underpay them and they have no union to speak of.   These tips should help you during this cold, harsh winter. Stay safe and stay warm.
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