The World As I See It

June 21, 2017

NASA to finally probe Uranus

Filed under: comedy,NASA,probe,Uranus — scarlatti21 @ 6:39 pm
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Picture of Uranus looking almost like a black hole

After years of begging and pleading and doing extra dishes at the office, Scientist Dr. Harold Ball, was finally given the green light to probe Uranus. Dr. Ball said he first broached the topic of probing Uranus years ago, but was met with stern resistance, “Things got really awkward and we really didn’t talk about it at all for awhile,” said Dr. Ball, “so I just went back to probing the areas I had been probing all along, but after a while that got boring and I figured enough time had gone by so I decided to ask again about probing Uranus.”

Dr. Ball admitted that he’s a little nervous about probing Uranus, but just feels that the time is finally right. Dr. ball said he still has some concerns as he knows the surface area of Uranus can be very sensitive and he doesn’t want to cause any damage to Uranus, “We can’t just ram something into Uranus,” said the Doctor, “We need to take it nice and slow to make sure we preserve Uranus for future probings. If we cause any significant damage to Uranus we know this whole project could be shut down for good.”

Dr. Ball said he’s excited about the project as little is known about Uranus, “Many people don’t understand anything about Uranus. Most people think it’s nothing more than a black hole.”

Dr. Ball said he will be assisted in the probing by British scientist, Roger Smyth. “I can’t wait for Dr. Smyth to give Uranus a good Rogering,” Dr. Ball said with a chuckle while doing his best British accent.

Both scientists agreed that the probing of Uranus was a long time coming, “You can only probe the same areas for so long before you get bored, you know,” Dr. Ball sighed, “I’ve been dying to get the chance to probe Uranus. I know probing Uranus is really taboo in the science world, but I just don’t care anymore.”

Many scientists at NASA agree that this will likely be a one and done probing and that Dr. Ball will be back to probing the same old areas by next week.

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February 26, 2017

Andy Harris to definitely, probably, most likely hold town hall meeting in Easton

Filed under: Andy Harris,comedy,funny,humor,politics,satire — scarlatti21 @ 5:21 pm
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andy

 

Andy Harris has confirmed this week that he would definitely, probably, most likely hold a brick-and-mortar (fancy way of saying in person) town hall meeting in Easton on March 31st assuming the Republicans have a replacement plan in place for the Affordable Care Act. Easton residents have been pressuring Harris to hold the in-person meeting in order to discuss their concerns about repealing the Affordable Care Act so holding the meeting after it’s been repealed makes complete sense.

Harris did leave the meeting open to being cancelled if no replacement plan is in place as of March 31st. While he admits nothing is in place yet, he did say that he helped write the first sentence which is one of the most kick-ass first sentences any bill has ever seen. Even President Trump said it was the best, the very best sentence any bill has ever seen. No one could write a better sentence. The best.

Harris has recently been refusing to attend town hall meetings saying they are “super scary” instead opting for tele-town hall meetings where he can hand pick the callers and make funny faces during the meeting with no one seeing. He also made a few prank calls during the meeting, telling people that answered that he was all ears and would love to hear their concerns. He could be heard giggling uncontrollably on the other end.

Easton residents had been calling Harris for weeks about meeting with them in person so that they could share their questions and concerns about the ACA repeal, so to have him schedule a meeting after the repeal has lead many residents to use the term “what the fuck” more often than they would’ve liked. “I had to explain to my ten year old how to use the term correctly,” said one constituent, “It was so cute once she finally used it right. Now every time she hears the name, Andy Harris, What the fuck is the first thing out of her mouth. It’s adorable.”

While Easton residents are excited, many are cautioning there optimism, “Vegas has the odds of Harris not cancelling the meeting at 20 to 1,” said one political analyst, “while the odds of Harris screwing his constituents is currently at 2 to 1.”

The residents of Easton are currently trying to secure the Easton High School auditorium for the event where they said a production of The King and I will be performed if Harris is a no show.

 

July 3, 2016

My right to pony ownership

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,pony,satire — scarlatti21 @ 8:47 am
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My guard pony ready for work.

My guard pony ready for work.

With the most recent mass shooting my facebook feed exploded with opinions on gun control. I quickly grew tired of it, and then thought to myself that facebook should be renamed opinionbook, but that’s a different article. To try to return facebook to the light-hearted drivel it was supposed to be I began posting pictures of cute ponies. That got me to thinking, if posting pictures of cute ponies made me happy just think what owning one would do. I quickly decided to get a pony. Not because I necessarily needed one, but because I wanted one. And let’s be honest, it’s my constitutional right to own one.

I quickly contacted the pony store so that I could get the process started. I was pretty sure there would be a waiting period to confirm that I was a decent citizen who could own a pony. Things quickly soured when I was told that I couldn’t own a pony because I lived in town limits. WHAT?!?!? My pony ownership rights were being denied by the Government!!! How could they trample my 9th Amendment rights which clearly state, and I quote, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people”. Doesn’t get any clearer than that.

How could I feel safe in my home without a guard pony? Don’t I have the right to protect my family from crime? I want criminals to know that if they try to break into the Robert’s homestead they’re going to leave with a tattoo of two undersized hoof prints on their foreheads. And it’s not like I was trying to get a high powered equine, like a Clydesdale or something. And it wasn’t like I was asking for 50 ponies. I get that high capacity pony ownership is unnecessary and dangerous in town limits. But one pony, couldn’t I have just one pony?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

How are we supposed to defend ourselves if a stampede happens? I mean, criminals are going to still get ponies regardless of laws and we know that they’ll get more ponies than they need. When a stampede happens are you going to wait for the police? Hell no!! The best way to stop a stampeding is by a private citizen packing their own pony!

And let’s be honest. Ponies don’t nip people, people nip people. Responsible pony owners know that you must lock your ponies safely away in your yard so that accidental nippings don’t happen.

I will take my fight to the Supreme Court if I have too. My Constitutional rights will not be trampled!! Rise up people! It’s time to make America great again!! Who’s with me people?! Ponies for everyone!!

January 31, 2016

Shore finally gets BJ’s; Been a long time coming

Filed under: bearded clam,BJ's,comedy,dicks,funny,humor,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:34 pm
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ed pic

 

After an enormous amount of begging and pleading, promises to be more helpful around the house, pay more attention to the kids, and most importantly the promise to pay way more attention to your emotional needs, Easton is finally getting BJ’s.

Many in the area agree that it’s been a long time coming, but the wait was well worth it. “I feel like the promise of BJ’s was always there, but just out of reach,” said one ecstatic local man, “But now to finally have BJ’s? Wow! I feel like the wait was well worth it. That first BJ’s experience was mind blowing.”

While many are showing youthful exuberance at the arrival of BJ’s, others are more skeptical, “It was a lot to take in,” said one local mom, “I thought I’d be ok with BJ’s, but in and out once and I was done!” The young woman’s dejected looking husband said he was going to go home and maybe work out and try to put it out of his mind that he and his wife would never again entertain the idea of BJ’s.

Town officials said they have been pleased with the overall reaction to BJ’s and said that it has even brought an influx of people from surrounding areas looking to get their BJ’s fix, “People all over the shore have been wanting BJ’s to come to the area,” said one official, “We’re excited that Easton is the epicenter for many people having their first BJ’s experience. This is an exciting time for young and old alike.”

Town officials went on to say that they are hoping the arrival of BJ’s will help Dick’s after Dick’s took a pounding in the 4th quarter. “Dick’s took a real beating,” said one town official, “We’re hoping that BJ’s will prop Dick’s back up where it belongs.”

It is important to note that as nice as BJ’s is, BJ’s is not for everyone and store management wanted to stress that no one should force BJ’s on anyone, “We understand that some people are leery of BJ’s,” said store manager, Harold Peters, “it may take some people some time before they accept BJ’s. Others will avoid BJ’s altogether. That’s ok. To each their own. BJ’s is an acquired taste.”

BJ’s officials said that early reports indicate that men appear to be enjoying the BJ’s experience more than women leading BJ’s to consider opening a clam bar, “Studies show that women like when clams are eaten,” said one store manager,” We don’t know the correlation, but who are we to question science? If women like clams eaten, then eaten clams we shall give them.”

Many agreed that if you are going to visit BJ’s that eating clams should definitely be part of the experience. No word yet on when the clam bar will be open, but store officials have confirmed that they are in talks with the owners of The Bearded Clam in Sarasota, Fl. about opening a Bearded Clam so that Eastonians can enjoy Dicks, BJ’s and eating at The Bearded Clam without having to travel out of their comfort zone.

 

January 23, 2016

Blizzard survival tips

Filed under: blizzard,comedy,funny,humor — scarlatti21 @ 1:09 pm
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snowSo you’re stuck in a blizzard. Let’s not panic. There are a number of things you can do to make the experience as painless as possible. Let’s take a look-see, shall we?

First things first, prepare yourself some toast. Proper blizzard preparation skills have taught us over the years that having a one month supply of bread is essential to survival. During non-blizzard conditions a two day supply is more than enough.

After eating our toast we will need to have our first poop of the day. Hopefully you had the foresight to buy 48 rolls of toilet paper. You’ll need ’em!! The snow squirts are real and you do not want to have to turn to paper towels!!

Now that we’ve had our toast and poop #1 it’s time for the first shoveling of the day. Now we’re only 12 inches (haha!!) in to a 24 inch storm, but we can’t wait until the end to start shoveling. No sir! We need to shovel the first 12 inches (haha!!) to make room for the next 12 inches (haha!!). If you’re lucky like me you have a teenage son, someone who can fully appreciate a freshly shoveled sidewalk when they roll out of bed at 11:00.

So the shoveling is done and it’s time for another poop. Hopefully you didn’t buy single ply Scott’s toilet paper. If you did this could be a long day for you. And you’re going to want to avoid taking a hot bath later. It will sting like the dickens.

Well looky at that! It’s 11 0’clock and time to open bottle #1 of the twelve bottles of wine you thought to buy. I realize it’s not quite noon, but blizzard time is different! And one glass isn’t a problem. We’ll worry about that once we hit glass #4 at 2:00 and our speech is a bit slurred, or as I like to call it, my blizzard pirate voice!

Time for poop #3. Take the bottle of wine with you. This could take a while.

Finally time to sit down with the wife for a movie. Doesn’t matter what movie you choose since your vision is a little blurry at this point. The wine is going to try to convince you to grab your wife inappropriately during the movie. Try to avoid this. The wine doesn’t always think straight. Probably best to just go take a poop.

Woah! Look at that! It’s 8:30! You’ve been sleeping on the toilet for the better part of 3 hours! Time to get up and head to bed. Uh-oh. One more poop first.

You’ve done it! 9:00 o’clock and you’re off to bed, having survived the blizzard. Except that you forgot to shovel the sidewalk and driveway one last time. Shit!! Screw it. You’re still going to bed.

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