The World As I See It

May 10, 2017

Comey latest contestant ‘fired’ from the Apprentice

Filed under: comedy,Comey,funny,humor,politics,President,Trump,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:00 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comey and Trump sharing a kiss during happier times.

 

In a surprise twist on last night’s episode of The Apprentice, contestant James Comey was fired. Experts thought he had a real chance of winning after he won the “get me elected” challenge easily, “It really looked like he had the inside track,” said the show’s Executive Producer, Kellyanne Conway, “But the Donald likes to keep us guessing.”

 

Many now feel that the clear favorite is Sean Spicer, “Spicer came out as this bumbling idiot, but Donald seems to like that,” said one expert, “Donald likes to feel like the smartest in the room which really limits who else can be in the room.”

 

Comey began the show on fire during the first challenge when he opened an “investigation” for the 18th time into Hillary’s email scandal, thus propelling Trump to a surprising victory. He later apologized saying that sometimes winning is worse than losing.

 

In a move that many are calling as close to a class act as Donald gets, Comey was informed of his firing when he heard it on CNN. He later received a nice letter and a gift basket from Trump. The gift basket was an edible arrangement which consisted of only lemons and sour grapes.

 

Comey said he has no idea what he will do next, but says he has no regrets and is glad as hell that he is off the show.

Advertisements

January 31, 2016

Shore finally gets BJ’s; Been a long time coming

Filed under: bearded clam,BJ's,comedy,dicks,funny,humor,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:34 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

ed pic

 

After an enormous amount of begging and pleading, promises to be more helpful around the house, pay more attention to the kids, and most importantly the promise to pay way more attention to your emotional needs, Easton is finally getting BJ’s.

Many in the area agree that it’s been a long time coming, but the wait was well worth it. “I feel like the promise of BJ’s was always there, but just out of reach,” said one ecstatic local man, “But now to finally have BJ’s? Wow! I feel like the wait was well worth it. That first BJ’s experience was mind blowing.”

While many are showing youthful exuberance at the arrival of BJ’s, others are more skeptical, “It was a lot to take in,” said one local mom, “I thought I’d be ok with BJ’s, but in and out once and I was done!” The young woman’s dejected looking husband said he was going to go home and maybe work out and try to put it out of his mind that he and his wife would never again entertain the idea of BJ’s.

Town officials said they have been pleased with the overall reaction to BJ’s and said that it has even brought an influx of people from surrounding areas looking to get their BJ’s fix, “People all over the shore have been wanting BJ’s to come to the area,” said one official, “We’re excited that Easton is the epicenter for many people having their first BJ’s experience. This is an exciting time for young and old alike.”

Town officials went on to say that they are hoping the arrival of BJ’s will help Dick’s after Dick’s took a pounding in the 4th quarter. “Dick’s took a real beating,” said one town official, “We’re hoping that BJ’s will prop Dick’s back up where it belongs.”

It is important to note that as nice as BJ’s is, BJ’s is not for everyone and store management wanted to stress that no one should force BJ’s on anyone, “We understand that some people are leery of BJ’s,” said store manager, Harold Peters, “it may take some people some time before they accept BJ’s. Others will avoid BJ’s altogether. That’s ok. To each their own. BJ’s is an acquired taste.”

BJ’s officials said that early reports indicate that men appear to be enjoying the BJ’s experience more than women leading BJ’s to consider opening a clam bar, “Studies show that women like when clams are eaten,” said one store manager,” We don’t know the correlation, but who are we to question science? If women like clams eaten, then eaten clams we shall give them.”

Many agreed that if you are going to visit BJ’s that eating clams should definitely be part of the experience. No word yet on when the clam bar will be open, but store officials have confirmed that they are in talks with the owners of The Bearded Clam in Sarasota, Fl. about opening a Bearded Clam so that Eastonians can enjoy Dicks, BJ’s and eating at The Bearded Clam without having to travel out of their comfort zone.

 

January 23, 2016

Blizzard survival tips

Filed under: blizzard,comedy,funny,humor — scarlatti21 @ 1:09 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

snowSo you’re stuck in a blizzard. Let’s not panic. There are a number of things you can do to make the experience as painless as possible. Let’s take a look-see, shall we?

First things first, prepare yourself some toast. Proper blizzard preparation skills have taught us over the years that having a one month supply of bread is essential to survival. During non-blizzard conditions a two day supply is more than enough.

After eating our toast we will need to have our first poop of the day. Hopefully you had the foresight to buy 48 rolls of toilet paper. You’ll need ’em!! The snow squirts are real and you do not want to have to turn to paper towels!!

Now that we’ve had our toast and poop #1 it’s time for the first shoveling of the day. Now we’re only 12 inches (haha!!) in to a 24 inch storm, but we can’t wait until the end to start shoveling. No sir! We need to shovel the first 12 inches (haha!!) to make room for the next 12 inches (haha!!). If you’re lucky like me you have a teenage son, someone who can fully appreciate a freshly shoveled sidewalk when they roll out of bed at 11:00.

So the shoveling is done and it’s time for another poop. Hopefully you didn’t buy single ply Scott’s toilet paper. If you did this could be a long day for you. And you’re going to want to avoid taking a hot bath later. It will sting like the dickens.

Well looky at that! It’s 11 0’clock and time to open bottle #1 of the twelve bottles of wine you thought to buy. I realize it’s not quite noon, but blizzard time is different! And one glass isn’t a problem. We’ll worry about that once we hit glass #4 at 2:00 and our speech is a bit slurred, or as I like to call it, my blizzard pirate voice!

Time for poop #3. Take the bottle of wine with you. This could take a while.

Finally time to sit down with the wife for a movie. Doesn’t matter what movie you choose since your vision is a little blurry at this point. The wine is going to try to convince you to grab your wife inappropriately during the movie. Try to avoid this. The wine doesn’t always think straight. Probably best to just go take a poop.

Woah! Look at that! It’s 8:30! You’ve been sleeping on the toilet for the better part of 3 hours! Time to get up and head to bed. Uh-oh. One more poop first.

You’ve done it! 9:00 o’clock and you’re off to bed, having survived the blizzard. Except that you forgot to shovel the sidewalk and driveway one last time. Shit!! Screw it. You’re still going to bed.

January 20, 2016

Snow Blankets Mid-Shore; Causes Shortages in Bread, Toilet Paper, Milk, Beer

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,satire,Snow — scarlatti21 @ 11:36 am
Tags: , , , , ,

The mid-shore region was blanketed with the first major snowfall of the season on Thursday, Jan. 2nd causing major shortages in toilet paper, bread, milk and Bud Light. “We’re not sure why snowstorms seem to give people explosive diarrhea, but it does,” said one grocery store manager, “Toilet Paper seems to be the 1st thing we run out of.”

 

Health department officials admit they have not been able to figure out the correlation between snow and diarrhea, but it’s clearly there. “During a snow storm that could leave you locked up in your house for as much as 24 hours, you should have at least 24 rolls of toilet paper,” said one Health department employee, “A roll per hour should be enough. You should also drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration.” The department said that more studies are being done to determine why snow causes diarrhea.

 

The Health department went on to provide what they considered to be their, “list of essentials for, snowstorms,” which included bread, milk, beer, and toilet paper. “During these severe mid-Atlantic storms people could be trapped in their homes for upwards of 24 hours,” said one department official, “It is important to have plenty of bread to stave off starvation, milk to stave off dehydration, beer because, let’s face it, being drunk is a hoot, and toilet paper because of the snowstorm squirts.”

 

As usual the event began as rain here on the mid-shore before switching over to snow. In Dorchester County alone accumulations varied from 3 to 8 inches leading many to believe that they don’t have a clue how to measure snow. “We keep measuring the snow up against fences as we’ve been taught,” said snow measuring expert, Zeke Thompson, “We’re seeing measurements as much as 4 inches different from one yard to the next. I’ve checked my snow measuring ruler like 10 times, everything seems fine with it. Numbers are in order.”

 

The State Police Department urge motorists to stay in during all snowstorms in the region and stressed that if you must venture out you should, “panic like the dickens,” and drive no faster than 10 mph. They went on to stress that, while most motorists travel 10 mph or slower, at least one knucklehead driver should travel at 60 mph sliding all over the rode, further panicking the people traveling 10 mph.

 

On the heels of the storm is an arctic blast that is bringing temperatures in the single digits with wind chills below 0 leading many to wonder what in the hell is wind chill? If it feels -10 why isn’t it -10? The Humane Society is urging everyone to bring in all pets and any deer, geese, foxes, racoons, etc. that may be roaming around your yard.

 

The town has also asked that residents take in any homeless in the area because when it’s really, really cold out we should care about the homeless. Town officials went on to say that during 55 degree and partly cloudy days the homeless seem to be happy as clams and need no shelter.

 

Experts expect this winter to be another tough one in the area with snowfall amounts pushing double digits and average temperatures hovering near 40 through most of the winter. “It’s time to strap on our big boy pants and get ready,” said one town official, “Mother Nature has stubbed her toe and we’re paying the price.”

 

Town officials said preparation is the best way to survive the winter and have provided a few suggestions on what to do to be ready for the snow and cold:

 

  1. Know how to work your heat – Turning the heat up will make the house warmer.
  2. Buy plenty of toilet paper – This will help combat the snowstorm squirts
  3. Buy lots of milk – Having strong bones is extremely important during snowstorms
  4. Stock up on beer – This is important regardless of temperature or precipitation.
  5. Bring all animals inside – Careful with possums. They’re feisty.
  6. Buy lots of bread – For some reason bread tastes really good during snowstorms. Other foods aren’t necessary.
  7. Don’t drive – Staying off the roads is important. If you must drive, go 10 mph and give the appearance as if you’ve never seen snow before.
  8. Rent Caddy Shack – It’s a funny ass movie.
  9. Prepare a nursery – In 9 months you will likely be greeting a new member of the family.
  10. Hire a neighborhood kid to shovel your sidewalk – You can grossly underpay them and they have no union to speak of.   These tips should help you during this cold, harsh winter. Stay safe and stay warm.

December 24, 2015

Christmas Tradition (F*&%ing Elf on the Shelf)

Filed under: christmas,comedy,elf,satire,shelf,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:44 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Christmas is a special time in our house. Whether it’s the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf, Clyde, or putting up our tree, having it fall and then putting the damn thing up again, it’s all smiles. Tradition is big to me and I would like to share a few of our family traditions that help us celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ and the arrival of Santa Clause and his magical reindeer.

Like most full blown Christians, my children anxiously await the arrival of our Elf on the Shelf. He arrives the morning after Thanksgiving, although most years he’s late due to me forgetting to put the God damned thing out. This year in particular I took my son hunting when my phone rang, my wife was on the line asking where our elf was. Our daughter had searched the whole house and couldn’t find him. Son-of-a-bitch!! I had forgotten the damn thing just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that! Whoever invented this horrid creation needs to be tarred and feathered.

I ran out of staging ideas for Clyde years ago. Every day! Every God damned day I have to move this thing and come up with some sort of creative hiding place and then write a funny note, only to have to do the whole thing over again tomorrow! It never ends!! And this year my daughter asked for a girl elf so that Clyde wouldn’t be lonely. Great!! Now I’ve got two damn elves to hide and write notes for. Wonderful!!

And of course I see my friends posting their amazing ideas for their elves. Well bravo you f*&king creative bastards! I’ve been regurgitation the same old scenarios over and over while you’re out there winning Oscars for elf display of the year! I no longer look forward to Christmas because of the excitement of Christmas, but because that little devil elf finally leaves us on Christmas Day!! Good riddance, Clyde…….and now Petunia, as well!!

Shortly after Clyde’s arrival we get our Christmas tree. Another joyous time in our house. For years my wife has argued for a fake tree, but I am a traditionalist. I like the smell of a real tree. And the constant watering. And the needles falling on the carpet. And the bare patches. And of course the inevitable falling of the tree which happens at least once every year. That’s part of Christmas.

After two hours of careful selection (how long does it take to pick out a freaking tree that you’re just going to throw away after Christmas anyway?) we finally bring our tree home where we struggle mightily to get the tree up without damaging too much of the house. After finally getting it up it’s time to crank up the Nat King Cole, pour a little vino, slap the lights on the tree, and put the ornaments on. Once done, we all step back and gaze in wonderment at our beautiful tree. It’s at that moment when the tree will slowly start to teeter before falling, in slow motion mind you, in our general direction. Every f*cking year!! Our personal record was three times in one year. I’m starting to think that trees weren’t meant to be cut down and resurrected in your house!

Next is the annual inspection of the ornaments! This occurs after the tree has fallen. We must go through each ornament to determine how many of the glass ones we’ve shattered with our annual tree falling ceremony. Nine time out of ten it’s my daughter’s ornaments that break. I’m convinced that God and the baby Jesus like to make children cry on Christmas. After discovering that the leg on her ballerina ornament has broken off she cries, and cries, and cries. It’s at this moment that I pour my second glass of vino.

Then we move on to the changing of the socks!! This is due to my socks being full of soppy, sappy water after the tree falling ceremony. Did you know a carpet will stay wet for two weeks after a tree falls? You do now!! While I change my socks, my wife leads the charge during the annual gluing of the ballerina leg part of our Christmas heritage.

After the tree is back up, the ornaments are back on the tree, and we’ve cleaned up all of the broken glass and dirty tree water it’s time to bake cookies!! My wife and daughter makes the cookies while I supervise. This requires another glass of wine! Apparently we are in competition with the Keebler Elves on who can make more cookies during the holiday season. This year we made an estimated 3,000 cookies. My daughter made Snickerdoodles especially for me because she knows how much I love them. Isn’t she a great daughter! The room starts to fill with the aroma of Snickerdoodles. Finally it’s time for the first batch to come out of the oven. That first one melts in my mouth. Delicious! I reach for my second one only to have my hand slapped and told that we are giving the rest away as gifts. What? One cookie! I only get one cookie? I’m already looking forward to next year’s annual cookie that I get to eat. Who knows? If I have a good year, maybe I’ll get two! With one cookie under my belt I’m ready for another glass of wine.

Well now we’re ready. Tree is up. Cookies are baked. Presents are wrap…….oh shit!! I haven’t wrapped a single present yet! I rush upstairs and scramble to find the presents I’ve bought. I suck at buying presents. More often than not I only have a handful of presents for my wife and make up the rest with cold hard cash!! Nothing says, “I love you”, like cash! To make things more exciting I put the money in multiple boxes, tons of wrapping paper, and enough tape to secure a prisoner. Finally, we’re ready for Christmas Day!

Christmas morning starts at roughly 7am. The kids try to start earlier, but we draw the line at 7. By 7:01 Christmas is done. Merry Christmas everyone!!

 

Next Page »

Blog at WordPress.com.