The World As I See It

May 10, 2017

Comey latest contestant ‘fired’ from the Apprentice

Filed under: comedy,Comey,funny,humor,politics,President,Trump,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:00 am
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Comey and Trump sharing a kiss during happier times.

 

In a surprise twist on last night’s episode of The Apprentice, contestant James Comey was fired. Experts thought he had a real chance of winning after he won the “get me elected” challenge easily, “It really looked like he had the inside track,” said the show’s Executive Producer, Kellyanne Conway, “But the Donald likes to keep us guessing.”

 

Many now feel that the clear favorite is Sean Spicer, “Spicer came out as this bumbling idiot, but Donald seems to like that,” said one expert, “Donald likes to feel like the smartest in the room which really limits who else can be in the room.”

 

Comey began the show on fire during the first challenge when he opened an “investigation” for the 18th time into Hillary’s email scandal, thus propelling Trump to a surprising victory. He later apologized saying that sometimes winning is worse than losing.

 

In a move that many are calling as close to a class act as Donald gets, Comey was informed of his firing when he heard it on CNN. He later received a nice letter and a gift basket from Trump. The gift basket was an edible arrangement which consisted of only lemons and sour grapes.

 

Comey said he has no idea what he will do next, but says he has no regrets and is glad as hell that he is off the show.

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December 19, 2016

Facebook to remove fake news……possibly shutting down the site

Filed under: comedy,facebook,fake news,funny,humor,satire,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:44 am
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fake_news

Facebook has announced that they will do everything in their power to limit fake news on the site after reports surfaced that false information may have altered the recent U.S. election. This lead many to wonder, who the fuck gets their news from Facebook? For his part, Zuckerberg said that limiting fake news presents complex problems both technically and philosophically, “We want people to feel free to share their opinions, thoughts, and pics from their four Caribbean vacations each year, without fear that we will flag it as fake news. Finding the real fake news is a dilly of a pickle.”

 

Facebook said their first line of defense will be to ban Fox News and CNN from the site and removing all of their articles. They will also ban all gun articles as a recent study found that nary a one was remotely close to factual. A Facebook spokesperson said that all cat videos will remain on the site. Memes will be banned immediately.

 

sophisticated-cat

 

Other social media sites weighed in on the issue with Twitter acknowledging that they would not attempt to edit out fake news due to 93% of all tweets being generated by Donald Trump. Snap Chat posted a message in support of removing fake news, but the note disappeared after only six seconds.

 

We snagged this screen shot 9 seconds after the post went up.

We snagged this screenshot of Snapchat’s message 9 seconds after it went up. Kind of ironic considering we successfully screenshot 7 nude pics that same day. Priorities people…….priorities.

 

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg said he wants people to get back to using Facebook for what it was intended for, breaking up marriages. “Facebook was intended to help people realize that everyone else has it better than them, then they locate an old High School flame, get to chatting, run off together, and everyone is happy,” said Zuckerberg. “It’s the American dream.

 

Political analysts weighed in on the topic saying that a great way to avoid getting fake political news from Facebook is to not rely on Facebook for your political information, going so far as to say that anyone who does rely on Facebook for their news is nothing short of a God damned idiot.

Users of the site were mixed on the topic with many saying they were for banning fake news since it clearly effected the election while others said there was no fake news on the site and that everything on the internet was true otherwise it wouldn’t be on the internet. A questionnaire answered by Democrats showed that they believe 97% of all articles posted by Republicans are fake while the same survey showed Republicans believe 96.8% of all articles posted by Democrats are fake. A bipartisan group study showed 98.9% of all articles were actually fake. The same study showed 97.3% of all memes to be wildly inaccurate.

Zuckerberg said that removing the fake news will take upwards of sixteen years so please show some patience.

 

It is noted that all information for this article was obtained from the internet and is considered sorta, kinda accurate.

July 3, 2016

My right to pony ownership

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,pony,satire — scarlatti21 @ 8:47 am
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My guard pony ready for work.

My guard pony ready for work.

With the most recent mass shooting my facebook feed exploded with opinions on gun control. I quickly grew tired of it, and then thought to myself that facebook should be renamed opinionbook, but that’s a different article. To try to return facebook to the light-hearted drivel it was supposed to be I began posting pictures of cute ponies. That got me to thinking, if posting pictures of cute ponies made me happy just think what owning one would do. I quickly decided to get a pony. Not because I necessarily needed one, but because I wanted one. And let’s be honest, it’s my constitutional right to own one.

I quickly contacted the pony store so that I could get the process started. I was pretty sure there would be a waiting period to confirm that I was a decent citizen who could own a pony. Things quickly soured when I was told that I couldn’t own a pony because I lived in town limits. WHAT?!?!? My pony ownership rights were being denied by the Government!!! How could they trample my 9th Amendment rights which clearly state, and I quote, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people”. Doesn’t get any clearer than that.

How could I feel safe in my home without a guard pony? Don’t I have the right to protect my family from crime? I want criminals to know that if they try to break into the Robert’s homestead they’re going to leave with a tattoo of two undersized hoof prints on their foreheads. And it’s not like I was trying to get a high powered equine, like a Clydesdale or something. And it wasn’t like I was asking for 50 ponies. I get that high capacity pony ownership is unnecessary and dangerous in town limits. But one pony, couldn’t I have just one pony?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

Will you be caught ponyless when a mass stampeding happens?

How are we supposed to defend ourselves if a stampede happens? I mean, criminals are going to still get ponies regardless of laws and we know that they’ll get more ponies than they need. When a stampede happens are you going to wait for the police? Hell no!! The best way to stop a stampeding is by a private citizen packing their own pony!

And let’s be honest. Ponies don’t nip people, people nip people. Responsible pony owners know that you must lock your ponies safely away in your yard so that accidental nippings don’t happen.

I will take my fight to the Supreme Court if I have too. My Constitutional rights will not be trampled!! Rise up people! It’s time to make America great again!! Who’s with me people?! Ponies for everyone!!

January 31, 2016

Shore finally gets BJ’s; Been a long time coming

Filed under: bearded clam,BJ's,comedy,dicks,funny,humor,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:34 pm
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ed pic

 

After an enormous amount of begging and pleading, promises to be more helpful around the house, pay more attention to the kids, and most importantly the promise to pay way more attention to your emotional needs, Easton is finally getting BJ’s.

Many in the area agree that it’s been a long time coming, but the wait was well worth it. “I feel like the promise of BJ’s was always there, but just out of reach,” said one ecstatic local man, “But now to finally have BJ’s? Wow! I feel like the wait was well worth it. That first BJ’s experience was mind blowing.”

While many are showing youthful exuberance at the arrival of BJ’s, others are more skeptical, “It was a lot to take in,” said one local mom, “I thought I’d be ok with BJ’s, but in and out once and I was done!” The young woman’s dejected looking husband said he was going to go home and maybe work out and try to put it out of his mind that he and his wife would never again entertain the idea of BJ’s.

Town officials said they have been pleased with the overall reaction to BJ’s and said that it has even brought an influx of people from surrounding areas looking to get their BJ’s fix, “People all over the shore have been wanting BJ’s to come to the area,” said one official, “We’re excited that Easton is the epicenter for many people having their first BJ’s experience. This is an exciting time for young and old alike.”

Town officials went on to say that they are hoping the arrival of BJ’s will help Dick’s after Dick’s took a pounding in the 4th quarter. “Dick’s took a real beating,” said one town official, “We’re hoping that BJ’s will prop Dick’s back up where it belongs.”

It is important to note that as nice as BJ’s is, BJ’s is not for everyone and store management wanted to stress that no one should force BJ’s on anyone, “We understand that some people are leery of BJ’s,” said store manager, Harold Peters, “it may take some people some time before they accept BJ’s. Others will avoid BJ’s altogether. That’s ok. To each their own. BJ’s is an acquired taste.”

BJ’s officials said that early reports indicate that men appear to be enjoying the BJ’s experience more than women leading BJ’s to consider opening a clam bar, “Studies show that women like when clams are eaten,” said one store manager,” We don’t know the correlation, but who are we to question science? If women like clams eaten, then eaten clams we shall give them.”

Many agreed that if you are going to visit BJ’s that eating clams should definitely be part of the experience. No word yet on when the clam bar will be open, but store officials have confirmed that they are in talks with the owners of The Bearded Clam in Sarasota, Fl. about opening a Bearded Clam so that Eastonians can enjoy Dicks, BJ’s and eating at The Bearded Clam without having to travel out of their comfort zone.

 

January 20, 2016

Snow Blankets Mid-Shore; Causes Shortages in Bread, Toilet Paper, Milk, Beer

Filed under: comedy,funny,humor,satire,Snow — scarlatti21 @ 11:36 am
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The mid-shore region was blanketed with the first major snowfall of the season on Thursday, Jan. 2nd causing major shortages in toilet paper, bread, milk and Bud Light. “We’re not sure why snowstorms seem to give people explosive diarrhea, but it does,” said one grocery store manager, “Toilet Paper seems to be the 1st thing we run out of.”

 

Health department officials admit they have not been able to figure out the correlation between snow and diarrhea, but it’s clearly there. “During a snow storm that could leave you locked up in your house for as much as 24 hours, you should have at least 24 rolls of toilet paper,” said one Health department employee, “A roll per hour should be enough. You should also drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration.” The department said that more studies are being done to determine why snow causes diarrhea.

 

The Health department went on to provide what they considered to be their, “list of essentials for, snowstorms,” which included bread, milk, beer, and toilet paper. “During these severe mid-Atlantic storms people could be trapped in their homes for upwards of 24 hours,” said one department official, “It is important to have plenty of bread to stave off starvation, milk to stave off dehydration, beer because, let’s face it, being drunk is a hoot, and toilet paper because of the snowstorm squirts.”

 

As usual the event began as rain here on the mid-shore before switching over to snow. In Dorchester County alone accumulations varied from 3 to 8 inches leading many to believe that they don’t have a clue how to measure snow. “We keep measuring the snow up against fences as we’ve been taught,” said snow measuring expert, Zeke Thompson, “We’re seeing measurements as much as 4 inches different from one yard to the next. I’ve checked my snow measuring ruler like 10 times, everything seems fine with it. Numbers are in order.”

 

The State Police Department urge motorists to stay in during all snowstorms in the region and stressed that if you must venture out you should, “panic like the dickens,” and drive no faster than 10 mph. They went on to stress that, while most motorists travel 10 mph or slower, at least one knucklehead driver should travel at 60 mph sliding all over the rode, further panicking the people traveling 10 mph.

 

On the heels of the storm is an arctic blast that is bringing temperatures in the single digits with wind chills below 0 leading many to wonder what in the hell is wind chill? If it feels -10 why isn’t it -10? The Humane Society is urging everyone to bring in all pets and any deer, geese, foxes, racoons, etc. that may be roaming around your yard.

 

The town has also asked that residents take in any homeless in the area because when it’s really, really cold out we should care about the homeless. Town officials went on to say that during 55 degree and partly cloudy days the homeless seem to be happy as clams and need no shelter.

 

Experts expect this winter to be another tough one in the area with snowfall amounts pushing double digits and average temperatures hovering near 40 through most of the winter. “It’s time to strap on our big boy pants and get ready,” said one town official, “Mother Nature has stubbed her toe and we’re paying the price.”

 

Town officials said preparation is the best way to survive the winter and have provided a few suggestions on what to do to be ready for the snow and cold:

 

  1. Know how to work your heat – Turning the heat up will make the house warmer.
  2. Buy plenty of toilet paper – This will help combat the snowstorm squirts
  3. Buy lots of milk – Having strong bones is extremely important during snowstorms
  4. Stock up on beer – This is important regardless of temperature or precipitation.
  5. Bring all animals inside – Careful with possums. They’re feisty.
  6. Buy lots of bread – For some reason bread tastes really good during snowstorms. Other foods aren’t necessary.
  7. Don’t drive – Staying off the roads is important. If you must drive, go 10 mph and give the appearance as if you’ve never seen snow before.
  8. Rent Caddy Shack – It’s a funny ass movie.
  9. Prepare a nursery – In 9 months you will likely be greeting a new member of the family.
  10. Hire a neighborhood kid to shovel your sidewalk – You can grossly underpay them and they have no union to speak of.   These tips should help you during this cold, harsh winter. Stay safe and stay warm.
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