Blizzard survival tips

So you’re stuck in a blizzard. Let’s not panic. There are a number of things you can do to make the experience as painless as possible. Let’s take a look-see, shall we?

First things first, prepare yourself some toast. Proper blizzard preparation skills have taught us over the years that having a one month supply of bread is essential to survival. During non-blizzard conditions a two day supply is more than enough.

After eating our toast we will need to have our first poop of the day. Hopefully you had the foresight to buy 48 rolls of toilet paper. You’ll need ’em!! The snow squirts are real and you do not want to have to turn to paper towels!!

Now that we’ve had our toast and poop #1 it’s time for the first shoveling of the day. Now we’re only 12 inches (haha!!) in to a 24 inch storm, but we can’t wait until the end to start shoveling. No sir! We need to shovel the first 12 inches (haha!!) to make room for the next 12 inches (haha!!). If you’re lucky like me you have a teenage son, someone who can fully appreciate a freshly shoveled sidewalk when they roll out of bed at 11:00.

So the shoveling is done and it’s time for another poop. Hopefully you didn’t buy single ply Scott’s toilet paper. If you did this could be a long day for you. And you’re going to want to avoid taking a hot bath later. It will sting like the dickens.

Well looky at that! It’s 11 0’clock and time to open bottle #1 of the twelve bottles of wine you thought to buy. I realize it’s not quite noon, but blizzard time is different! And one glass isn’t a problem. We’ll worry about that once we hit glass #4 at 2:00 and our speech is a bit slurred, or as I like to call it, my blizzard pirate voice!

Time for poop #3. Take the bottle of wine with you. This could take a while.

Finally time to sit down with the wife for a movie. Doesn’t matter what movie you choose since your vision is a little blurry at this point. The wine is going to try to convince you to grab your wife inappropriately during the movie. Try to avoid this. The wine doesn’t always think straight. Probably best to just go take a poop.

Woah! Look at that! It’s 8:30! You’ve been sleeping on the toilet for the better part of 3 hours! Time to get up and head to bed. Uh-oh. One more poop first.

You’ve done it! 9:00 o’clock and you’re off to bed, having survived the blizzard. Except that you forgot to shovel the sidewalk and driveway one last time. Shit!! Screw it. You’re still going to bed.