The World As I See It

January 23, 2017

Letter from a 4th grader to Betsy Devos

Filed under: Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 9:05 pm

Dear Ms. Devos,

 

I am a fourth grader at Wapiti Elementary School in Wapiti, Wyoming. That’s correct, the same school that has been suffering from grizzly bear attacks like a son-of-a-bitch. I would like to personally thank you for being the first person to stand up for us little guys. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to go to a school that’s treated like a snack shack for grizzlies.

Just last week we were sitting through another boring math class when BAM! A grizzly slammed into the window next to my desk. He was a monster! Must have been at least 9 feet tall. I knew it was a he because when he stood up he was swinging this big old weenie in my face. Like a baby’s arm coming at me! Anyway, I did what any other lover of God’s creatures would do. I grabbed my Dad’s .357 magnum out of my school bag (I had brought it to school to show my friends. Don’t worry I wasn’t planning on shooting nobody!).  So I aim and fire one shot right at his forehead, KAPOW! Believe me when I say that this was the wrong time to find out grizzlies have concrete craniums!? That bullet ricocheted off that motherfucker’s head like a stone skipping off water. And boy did that light a fire under his ass! That fucker reared back, ding-a-ling swinging in the wind, and gave out a roar like a dinosaur. Are grizzlies part dinosaur? I figured you being the great educator that you are, you’d know!

Anywho, I’m really looking forward to when all of my classmates can have some grizzly whackers, that’s what we call them here, in class as well. Not to be a downer, but that grizzly I shot got a tad riled up after I skimmed his forehead and he dragged off poor Jimmy Fitzhugh. They’ve been finding pieces of that poor bastard for the better part of two days. That poor boy was a goofy son-of-a-bitch, but he certainly didn’t deserve to get torn to bits by a grizzly. Especially by one that had a tally whacker as big as this feller had! I’m confident that had we had twenty kids packing heat the result would’ve been much different. Sure, Jimmy would probably be one arm short of a pair, but at least that goofy one-armed bastard would still be here with us.

Snapped this picture of the beast on my phone right before the attack. Not sure who that photo bombing bastard in the photo is.

Snapped this picture of the beast on my phone right before the attack. Not sure who that photo bombing bastard in the photo is.

So in conclusion, God bless you. You’re the 1st Secretary of Education who has ever tried to help us with our grizzly bear problem. My class started with 28 students in the 1st grade. We’re down to 17 because of these elementary school children eating fuckers! A million thanks!

On a side note, can you also do something about common core? What in God’s name is up with that shit?

 

Sincerely,

Billy Murdoch

4th grader at Wapiti Elementary School

December 19, 2016

Facebook to remove fake news……possibly shutting down the site

Filed under: comedy,facebook,fake news,funny,humor,satire,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:44 am
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fake_news

Facebook has announced that they will do everything in their power to limit fake news on the site after reports surfaced that false information may have altered the recent U.S. election. This lead many to wonder, who the fuck gets their news from Facebook? For his part, Zuckerberg said that limiting fake news presents complex problems both technically and philosophically, “We want people to feel free to share their opinions, thoughts, and pics from their four Caribbean vacations each year, without fear that we will flag it as fake news. Finding the real fake news is a dilly of a pickle.”

 

Facebook said their first line of defense will be to ban Fox News and CNN from the site and removing all of their articles. They will also ban all gun articles as a recent study found that nary a one was remotely close to factual. A Facebook spokesperson said that all cat videos will remain on the site. Memes will be banned immediately.

 

sophisticated-cat

 

Other social media sites weighed in on the issue with Twitter acknowledging that they would not attempt to edit out fake news due to 93% of all tweets being generated by Donald Trump. Snap Chat posted a message in support of removing fake news, but the note disappeared after only six seconds.

 

We snagged this screen shot 9 seconds after the post went up.

We snagged this screenshot of Snapchat’s message 9 seconds after it went up. Kind of ironic considering we successfully screenshot 7 nude pics that same day. Priorities people…….priorities.

 

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg said he wants people to get back to using Facebook for what it was intended for, breaking up marriages. “Facebook was intended to help people realize that everyone else has it better than them, then they locate an old High School flame, get to chatting, run off together, and everyone is happy,” said Zuckerberg. “It’s the American dream.

 

Political analysts weighed in on the topic saying that a great way to avoid getting fake political news from Facebook is to not rely on Facebook for your political information, going so far as to say that anyone who does rely on Facebook for their news is nothing short of a God damned idiot.

Users of the site were mixed on the topic with many saying they were for banning fake news since it clearly effected the election while others said there was no fake news on the site and that everything on the internet was true otherwise it wouldn’t be on the internet. A questionnaire answered by Democrats showed that they believe 97% of all articles posted by Republicans are fake while the same survey showed Republicans believe 96.8% of all articles posted by Democrats are fake. A bipartisan group study showed 98.9% of all articles were actually fake. The same study showed 97.3% of all memes to be wildly inaccurate.

Zuckerberg said that removing the fake news will take upwards of sixteen years so please show some patience.

 

It is noted that all information for this article was obtained from the internet and is considered sorta, kinda accurate.

October 16, 2008

McCain Closes Gap; Lands Vote of Joe the Plumber

Joe Wurzelbacher

Joe the Plumber taking in a special episode of Blossom

In the much anticipated final Presidential debate, Senator John McCain closed the gap by landing the much coveted vote of Joe Wurzelbacher aka “Joe the Plumber”. While Wurzelbacher wouldn’t comment on who he intended to vote for, many political analysts believe John McCain was the clear winner. “It looks to me like John has clearly closed the gap by 1 vote”, said analyst Peter Short, “If he can do that several million more times, Obama is in trouble”.

Obama, who had to leave the debate early because of a prior “bomb making” engagement with his radical buddies, was concerned at losing Joe’s vote, “It bothers me that my tax plan is going to hurt people like Joe. People who are able to buy businesses worth more than $250,000. This guy is one step away from being impovershed and my plan could put him over the top. That hurts. Now if you’ll excuse me I have bombs to make”.

 

As for McCain, who is part Irish and part Fox Squirrel, he said he is pleased to get Joe’s vote, but doesn’t plan on stopping there, “I’m hoping to land Terry the Electrician’s vote next, but I’ve got work to do.”

Analysts have said that whoever lands Terry’s vote has a 50/50 chance of winning the election.

 

When it came time to talk Vice Presidential candidates, no one can dispute that Palin was the clear winner. The qualifications were overwhemingly in Palin’s favor as Biden’s foreign policy record was no match for Palin’s record of having a special needs child. “Sure Joe has some solid credentials when it comes to foreign policy”, said McCain, “But has he ever raised a special needs child? No he hasn’t and running this country is like raising a special needs child”.

With the election just 3 weeks away, McCain has his work cut out for him, but if he can continue to pluck plumber and electrician votes at this rate, there’s a chance he could lose by a little less than originally thought.

The debate was moderated by CBS’ Bob Scheiffer, who was the moderator for the famed Jesus vs Judas debates in the year 27.

 All research for this article was performed by our political analyst Ronald Steadway

 retard.jpg retard picture by fisher725

October 13, 2008

Palin Plans Trip To Canadian Side Of Niagara Falls

Filed under: canada,comedy,funny,humor,news,Palin,politics,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:04 am
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In an effort to boost her foreign policy credentials, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is planning a trip to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. “I’m a little nervous”, admitted the globetrotter, “I’m not familiar with their language or their customs, but until you go you can’t learn”.

 

Palin, who has been watching Russia from her home now “for years”, is excited about the trip, “I plan on bringing them a Salmon and I am really excited about receiving a gift in return”, said the adventurer, “Perhaps they will give me a traditional head-dress or tribal jewelry”.

 

Palin has said that if elected Vice President there is a good chance she will travel even more. “My intention is to try and go to a foreign country at least once a year if elected”, said the jet setter, “I’m thinking Utah next”.

Palin has insisted that just because she hasn’t been to any foreign countries doesn’t mean she isn’t aware they exist. “I’ve heard of countries like Africa and South America”, said a defiant Palin, “And I have full intentions of visiting them as well as soon as I printout the mapquest directions”.

Palin has said that they plan to take the trip to Canada shortly after her daughter, Bristol, gives birth and before she has time to get pregnant again.

October 10, 2008

QUICK HITS

LOCKLEAR ARRESTED

 

Heather Locklear was arrested this past week on suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled dangerous substance, which carries a much stiffer penalty than the seldom used driving under the influence of an uncontrolled sorta dangerous substance.

Locklear’s publicist said, “The actress has been going through a rough patch after realizing that she was no longer a sex symbol and that she had once been married to Ritchie Sambora.”

Many legal analysts believe that Locklear will use the ‘I was once married to Ritchie Sambora’ defense and will likely only receive a slap on the wrist and will be able to go back to drugging and boozing before the sun goes down.

Holmes Sporting New Do

 

Katie Holmes was spotted out recently sporting a new shorter ‘Tom Cruise’ style hair-do. Tom Cruise admits that he was the one that suggested the new look “Isn’t it awesome”, beemed a very gay acting Tom Cruise, “Now it’s just like I’m having sex with a male sized version of myself.”

Tom’s publicist admits that for years now people have been suggesting that Tom have sex with himself and finally that suggestion is coming to fruition.

Holmes said that she didn’t mind the new look, but drew the line when Cruise suggested she also surgically have a penis added on.

Woman Wearing Cow Costume Arrested

 

A Middleton woman was arrested early Monday and charged with being really drunk while wearing a cow costume and peeing on people’s porches. The sheriff’s office in Middleton said this is only the 10th time since August that someone has been charged with such a crime.

“Our arrests for people being really drunk while wearing cow costumes and peeing on peoples porches is way down from where it was a year ago”, said a pleased, Sheriff Bill Tate.

Neighbors feel that Ms. Allen is being unfairly targeted as she is the only one who has ever been arrested under the law. “It ain’t right if you axe me”, said neighbor, Anita Saunders. “They’s don’t ever arrest Billy Simmons, and he’s always dressing up as a chicken and taking dumps on my patio”.

Allen was fined $15.

New God Added To The List

A new living God was annointed in Nepal this past week when none other than Matani Shakya beat out hundreds of other living God wannabes. “We’re just pleased as punch”, said Shakya’s father, Panasonic Customer Service Rep, Bill Smith. “When she was born I was hoping Doctor, maybe Lawyer, but God, well this is just nice.”

Matani had to go through several grueling tests to be declared the God including staying over night in a room full of severed goats and buffalo head without showing fear. “You know, I try to come up wit sumting very hard, you know”, said event coordinator Bob Jones, a part time Customer Service Rep for AT & T, “At first I tink, overnight at de Hilton, no..no dat no good, den I tink maybe de Sheraton, still no, den I tink how about a night in a hut wit severed heads. I tell ya when a good idea hits, a good idea hits”!

Matani’s Godship is only a part time gig, as she will return to being human after she has her period. Kudos to you young Matani.

All research for these articles was performed by our research assistant Ronald Steadway pictured below

retard.jpg retard picture by fisher725

October 8, 2008

Laughter Not The Best Medicine

Filed under: humor — scarlatti21 @ 9:10 pm
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A recent study in the New England Journal of Medicine has proven once and for all that laughter is not the best medicine. The study, which drew criticism from the Clown Institute is the first of its’ kind and it comes on the heals of a controversial malpractice suit in Kentucky. The case involved a Cancer Patient who was prescribed a healthy dose of Pauly Shore by Doctor Niles Heckles, a firm believer in the humerical medicines.

Dr. Heckles during routine surgery.

Heckles was caught prescribing near lethal doses of Pauly Shore to cancer patients, some of which were terminal and others that merely wished they were. Heckles defended himself by saying, “If Pauly Shore can’t cure cancer, than who can?”

The study revealed that not only was laughter not the best medicine, but it wasn’t even in the top 10. When questioned about the study, an FDA spokesman admitted that laughter didn’t even register as a drug, but they can’t dispute the fact that a little Sanford & Son can lift the spirits.

 

Dr. Spencer Tate, head of the study, admitted that it’s too early to draw conclusions from the study. “The verdict is still out. While Pauly Shore prescriptions can be lethal, there is nothing to say that moderate levels of Lavern & Shirley couldn’t cure what ails ya.” The study will be printed in the November issue of The New England Journal of Medicine.

All research for this article was done by our research assistant Ronald Steadway pictured belowretard.jpg retard picture by fisher725

Ryan O’Neal Arrested With Son Redmond

Filed under: drugs,Fawcett,humor,news,O'neal,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 12:09 am
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RYAN O’NEAL ARRESTED WITH SON REDMOND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oneal

Part time actor and full time crack head Ryan O’neal was arrested on Wednesday along with his son Redmond O’neal for possession of methamphatamines. In a statement released by his publicist, Amy Winehouse, O’neal said, “There is no person I’d rather be arrested with than Red.”

publicist Amy Winehouse

The arrest came on the heals of a “hunch” by O’Neal’s probation officer, Keith Richards who said, “The bastard is always high, so we took a chance.”

O’Neals former lover and Redmond’s mother, Farrah Fawcet was asleep on the couch at the time of the arrest. She released a statement saying “I should have noticed the warning signs, such as the methamphatamine lab in the kitchen.” Fawcett went on to say that the family has already been through a lot this year what with her ass cancer and the arrest of their top crack dealer, Pimp Daddy Corn Chips.

 

Farrah Fawcett and Pimp Daddy Corn Chips

O’Neal’s other crack head children have all said they are hoping that O’Neal can get his act together before his 70th birthday. As for Red, they say the bastard is young, he’s got time.

June 21, 2017

NASA to finally probe Uranus

Filed under: comedy,NASA,probe,Uranus — scarlatti21 @ 6:39 pm
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Picture of Uranus looking almost like a black hole

After years of begging and pleading and doing extra dishes at the office, Scientist Dr. Harold Ball, was finally given the green light to probe Uranus. Dr. Ball said he first broached the topic of probing Uranus years ago, but was met with stern resistance, “Things got really awkward and we really didn’t talk about it at all for awhile,” said Dr. Ball, “so I just went back to probing the areas I had been probing all along, but after a while that got boring and I figured enough time had gone by so I decided to ask again about probing Uranus.”

Dr. Ball admitted that he’s a little nervous about probing Uranus, but just feels that the time is finally right. Dr. ball said he still has some concerns as he knows the surface area of Uranus can be very sensitive and he doesn’t want to cause any damage to Uranus, “We can’t just ram something into Uranus,” said the Doctor, “We need to take it nice and slow to make sure we preserve Uranus for future probings. If we cause any significant damage to Uranus we know this whole project could be shut down for good.”

Dr. Ball said he’s excited about the project as little is known about Uranus, “Many people don’t understand anything about Uranus. Most people think it’s nothing more than a black hole.”

Dr. Ball said he will be assisted in the probing by British scientist, Roger Smyth. “I can’t wait for Dr. Smyth to give Uranus a good Rogering,” Dr. Ball said with a chuckle while doing his best British accent.

Both scientists agreed that the probing of Uranus was a long time coming, “You can only probe the same areas for so long before you get bored, you know,” Dr. Ball sighed, “I’ve been dying to get the chance to probe Uranus. I know probing Uranus is really taboo in the science world, but I just don’t care anymore.”

Many scientists at NASA agree that this will likely be a one and done probing and that Dr. Ball will be back to probing the same old areas by next week.

May 10, 2017

Comey latest contestant ‘fired’ from the Apprentice

Filed under: comedy,Comey,funny,humor,politics,President,Trump,Uncategorized — scarlatti21 @ 6:00 am
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Comey and Trump sharing a kiss during happier times.

 

In a surprise twist on last night’s episode of The Apprentice, contestant James Comey was fired. Experts thought he had a real chance of winning after he won the “get me elected” challenge easily, “It really looked like he had the inside track,” said the show’s Executive Producer, Kellyanne Conway, “But the Donald likes to keep us guessing.”

 

Many now feel that the clear favorite is Sean Spicer, “Spicer came out as this bumbling idiot, but Donald seems to like that,” said one expert, “Donald likes to feel like the smartest in the room which really limits who else can be in the room.”

 

Comey began the show on fire during the first challenge when he opened an “investigation” for the 18th time into Hillary’s email scandal, thus propelling Trump to a surprising victory. He later apologized saying that sometimes winning is worse than losing.

 

In a move that many are calling as close to a class act as Donald gets, Comey was informed of his firing when he heard it on CNN. He later received a nice letter and a gift basket from Trump. The gift basket was an edible arrangement which consisted of only lemons and sour grapes.

 

Comey said he has no idea what he will do next, but says he has no regrets and is glad as hell that he is off the show.

February 26, 2017

Andy Harris to definitely, probably, most likely hold town hall meeting in Easton

Filed under: Andy Harris,comedy,funny,humor,politics,satire — scarlatti21 @ 5:21 pm
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andy

 

Andy Harris has confirmed this week that he would definitely, probably, most likely hold a brick-and-mortar (fancy way of saying in person) town hall meeting in Easton on March 31st assuming the Republicans have a replacement plan in place for the Affordable Care Act. Easton residents have been pressuring Harris to hold the in-person meeting in order to discuss their concerns about repealing the Affordable Care Act so holding the meeting after it’s been repealed makes complete sense.

Harris did leave the meeting open to being cancelled if no replacement plan is in place as of March 31st. While he admits nothing is in place yet, he did say that he helped write the first sentence which is one of the most kick-ass first sentences any bill has ever seen. Even President Trump said it was the best, the very best sentence any bill has ever seen. No one could write a better sentence. The best.

Harris has recently been refusing to attend town hall meetings saying they are “super scary” instead opting for tele-town hall meetings where he can hand pick the callers and make funny faces during the meeting with no one seeing. He also made a few prank calls during the meeting, telling people that answered that he was all ears and would love to hear their concerns. He could be heard giggling uncontrollably on the other end.

Easton residents had been calling Harris for weeks about meeting with them in person so that they could share their questions and concerns about the ACA repeal, so to have him schedule a meeting after the repeal has lead many residents to use the term “what the fuck” more often than they would’ve liked. “I had to explain to my ten year old how to use the term correctly,” said one constituent, “It was so cute once she finally used it right. Now every time she hears the name, Andy Harris, What the fuck is the first thing out of her mouth. It’s adorable.”

While Easton residents are excited, many are cautioning there optimism, “Vegas has the odds of Harris not cancelling the meeting at 20 to 1,” said one political analyst, “while the odds of Harris screwing his constituents is currently at 2 to 1.”

The residents of Easton are currently trying to secure the Easton High School auditorium for the event where they said a production of The King and I will be performed if Harris is a no show.

 

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